05-18-2022, 09:31 PM
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Hi bryn.
That's the trouble with metaphors, everyone can interpret them how they wish.
Given your description, you're talking about 'equilibrium' aren't you? So perhaps that's a word to consider?
Speaking as 'the scissors guy' I think you could still cut further.
Through ache and blister we struggle,
pushing past ourselves, ................................ the poetry (to me) is in this line. The next four that follow don't add (and therefore subtract)
to (from) it.
stretching the laws of physics.
We long for the elusive symbiosis
of mind, carbon, and sinew.
Many becoming one, resplendent.
There's a clarity (and beauty) to this
Rowing is obsession,
a Sisyphean task;
pursuit of perfection
pushing past ourselves,
through ache and blister
and the cold (place/river name) water
which gets lost amongst the verbiage.
I don't think the rhetorical
This trial and tribulation
to what possible end;
the finish line, a medal?
is that interesting. Especially as you go on to
What better measure of us,
than a friend’s laughter heard across the water;
a blue heron caught in flight on a misty morning.
Still really like these lines, but could you make them more specific? Might 'water' be a particular river/lake/whatever, and 'a misty morning' be a misty morning in some named place?
I don't know where you are but,
than a friend's laughter heard across the Charles
(as a for instance) would be a little more resonant, than the current formulation
(and you have an audience to consider.)
As to that last verse. Pleasing I found this
https://bmcr.brynmawr.edu/2000/2000.10.14
while trying to understand what you mean by 'Plato's Dream' (something about a swan?)
But I digress. I think the problem is that 'what better measure' is simply a stronger (and clearer) ending. The start/heart rhyme makes this verse feel a little bit too ... greetings card. Yeah, apologies.
All that said, how does the piece sound to your ear when you read it aloud?
Best, Knot
.
Hi bryn.
That's the trouble with metaphors, everyone can interpret them how they wish.
Given your description, you're talking about 'equilibrium' aren't you? So perhaps that's a word to consider?
Speaking as 'the scissors guy' I think you could still cut further.
Through ache and blister we struggle,
pushing past ourselves, ................................ the poetry (to me) is in this line. The next four that follow don't add (and therefore subtract)
to (from) it.
stretching the laws of physics.
We long for the elusive symbiosis
of mind, carbon, and sinew.
Many becoming one, resplendent.
There's a clarity (and beauty) to this
Rowing is obsession,
a Sisyphean task;
pursuit of perfection
pushing past ourselves,
through ache and blister
and the cold (place/river name) water
which gets lost amongst the verbiage.
I don't think the rhetorical
This trial and tribulation
to what possible end;
the finish line, a medal?
is that interesting. Especially as you go on to
What better measure of us,
than a friend’s laughter heard across the water;
a blue heron caught in flight on a misty morning.
Still really like these lines, but could you make them more specific? Might 'water' be a particular river/lake/whatever, and 'a misty morning' be a misty morning in some named place?
I don't know where you are but,
than a friend's laughter heard across the Charles
(as a for instance) would be a little more resonant, than the current formulation
(and you have an audience to consider.)
As to that last verse. Pleasing I found this
https://bmcr.brynmawr.edu/2000/2000.10.14
while trying to understand what you mean by 'Plato's Dream' (something about a swan?)
But I digress. I think the problem is that 'what better measure' is simply a stronger (and clearer) ending. The start/heart rhyme makes this verse feel a little bit too ... greetings card. Yeah, apologies.
All that said, how does the piece sound to your ear when you read it aloud?
Best, Knot
.