Over-dozed

[Magpie]

Hi Knot,

Thanks for the critique, you've given me a lot to think about and I will definitely come back to it after some pondering.

Just for clarification, the poem is about a heroin overdose and how the author had to try and stop that person from dying, that said this stanza -

mumbling about how much,
how clean,  - how clean the heroin is
hitting a pipeline,  - hitting the vein perfectly
the dark crimson surge  - the result of hitting the perfect vein
and heaven cascading through the walls
a tidal wave extinguishing the pain.  - taking heroin to cope with chronic pain


I don't know if this helps, but I feel that hitting a pipeline and the mention of pain are necessary.

Thanks again for the thoughts, I will be back with a rewrite.

oh by the way I really your addition of an expletive at the end, it adds so much. 

cheers,
Mark