05-18-2022, 01:25 AM
.
Hi AR,
it's improved with the revision, I think, but sags in the middle.
And you're right about the end. I think it's the repetition of 'water' that weakens it.
So ...
I remember the afternoon
you appearing at my door,
blazing a trail of halcyon rust,
pirouetting like a feather
before gravity pulled you
into the nearest chair.
(the 'bouncing off walls', elegantly or not, isn't adding much.)
You mumbled how much,
how clean, hitting a pipeline
was, the crimson surge
dark heaven cascading
through the walls
(I don't know what 'hitting a pipeline' means, so maybe the addition of 'was' doesn't work.
Is 'a tidal wave ... ' needed. Whatever the 'pain' it doesn't feature in the rest of the piece, so, maybe cut it?)
I continued to play
the battered Spanish guitar
some tone deaf fool had left
"That's nice" you smiled,
swayed and drifted into bliss.
Content to just be, I encouraged the guitar
to continue singing sweetly ........... I think 'I encouraged ... singing sweetly' is extremely weak. Just tell the story. Perhaps give some sense of what it is you are seeing that prompts the next line?
until it dawned on me that I was slowly killing you.
Gently letting you fall back to the womb
and away from reality's embrace.
All the time watching your colours fading into a Baltic blue.
(It's a great line to end the verse with. Trouble is, the lines leading up to it
)
The last resort of cold water shock
let in a tiny chink of light,
piercing the cocoon,
flooding grey to pink,
triggering a sharp intake of breath,
prompting the glare and the words,
(Considering the circumstance, there seems very little urgency here. I'm not suggestion returning to "I spoke your name ... Baltic blue" - but rather than 'cocoon, grey to pink' focus on the Narrator for a couple of lines?)
I'd be tempted to end with something like
"You ever do that again
I'll fucking kill you!"
(The ambiguity as to who is speaking might work?)
Best, Knot
.
Hi AR,
it's improved with the revision, I think, but sags in the middle.
And you're right about the end. I think it's the repetition of 'water' that weakens it.
So ...
I remember the afternoon
you appearing at my door,
blazing a trail of halcyon rust,
pirouetting like a feather
before gravity pulled you
into the nearest chair.
(the 'bouncing off walls', elegantly or not, isn't adding much.)
You mumbled how much,
how clean, hitting a pipeline
was, the crimson surge
dark heaven cascading
through the walls
(I don't know what 'hitting a pipeline' means, so maybe the addition of 'was' doesn't work.
Is 'a tidal wave ... ' needed. Whatever the 'pain' it doesn't feature in the rest of the piece, so, maybe cut it?)
I continued to play
the battered Spanish guitar
some tone deaf fool had left
"That's nice" you smiled,
swayed and drifted into bliss.
Content to just be, I encouraged the guitar
to continue singing sweetly ........... I think 'I encouraged ... singing sweetly' is extremely weak. Just tell the story. Perhaps give some sense of what it is you are seeing that prompts the next line?
until it dawned on me that I was slowly killing you.
Gently letting you fall back to the womb
and away from reality's embrace.
All the time watching your colours fading into a Baltic blue.
(It's a great line to end the verse with. Trouble is, the lines leading up to it
)The last resort of cold water shock
let in a tiny chink of light,
piercing the cocoon,
flooding grey to pink,
triggering a sharp intake of breath,
prompting the glare and the words,
(Considering the circumstance, there seems very little urgency here. I'm not suggestion returning to "I spoke your name ... Baltic blue" - but rather than 'cocoon, grey to pink' focus on the Narrator for a couple of lines?)
I'd be tempted to end with something like
"You ever do that again
I'll fucking kill you!"
(The ambiguity as to who is speaking might work?)
Best, Knot
.