05-17-2022, 11:14 PM
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Hi River,
I'm struggling with this, like TqB, it's the lack of context that's the real problem (and I don't think the quote helps.)
It feels very overwritten, so much telling, very little showing (which isn't always a problem, but I think it is here. The author getting in between the reader and the poem.) And the narrative, if there is one, vanishes, for me, half way through.
S1. You've come together to form a chorus - by definition a chorus is a collective, so the coming together is redundant. But, if it matters, then why/under what circumstances have they done this?
TqB already raised the point about 'chief' in S1 (surely it's 'priestess' as he says? And yet you've stuck with chief in the revision. I'm confused.)
Also, for a 'song', this isn't very lyrical, the language doesn't lift. I didn't find the language strident, just flat.
You have them intoning the words of their chief, then the one they now address (if copying their chief, isn't the chief addressing Aphrodite? They are simply mimicking.)
To be frank, I have no idea what S2 means. For me you could cut it and lose nothing.
High voices reach the goddess, ................. this is fine, but the next bit sounds like something copied from an archaeology text-book
while the low
drone that ties the performance together
honors with its pre-verbal "Na" the goddess
who rules the dead.................................... you're telling me what you know/think, not what 'na' means, nor how it 'honours'.
"Some say that an army of ships is the most beautiful ............Who is 'some', and why do they matter? (I'm not entirely sure about 'army' but could be convinced.)
thing on this black earth", the chorus sings
to welcome those returning from the perils
of vengeance and the sea ...................you've tried to hide it
but it's still 'the perils of the sea'. Too much the cliché for me.
Now, I'm interested, who are those who are 'returning'? I don't see any mention of them later, so what is the point of this verse?
No idea what purpose S5 serves.
S6. and their ode
transforms into a paean
Which is, essentially, their song transforms into a song.
And, having thus transformed ...
S7. the chorus scatters. Why?
S8. Who and/or what are the 'crones' (I know, old women, but) where have they come from? And why.
TqB already pointed out the problem with 'to the temples' but it's still there in the latest version. It makes no sense River.
You've called this the 'Song of ... ' but where's the song?
their ears and necks spangled with gold
and silver, in finest linen dressed,
the noble women of Mytilene have gathered
to sing to Aphrodite:
"an army of ships is the most beautiful
thing on this black earth, let us give
a welcome to those returning
from vengeance and the sea."
Best, Knot.
.
Hi River,
I'm struggling with this, like TqB, it's the lack of context that's the real problem (and I don't think the quote helps.)
It feels very overwritten, so much telling, very little showing (which isn't always a problem, but I think it is here. The author getting in between the reader and the poem.) And the narrative, if there is one, vanishes, for me, half way through.
S1. You've come together to form a chorus - by definition a chorus is a collective, so the coming together is redundant. But, if it matters, then why/under what circumstances have they done this?
TqB already raised the point about 'chief' in S1 (surely it's 'priestess' as he says? And yet you've stuck with chief in the revision. I'm confused.)
Also, for a 'song', this isn't very lyrical, the language doesn't lift. I didn't find the language strident, just flat.
You have them intoning the words of their chief, then the one they now address (if copying their chief, isn't the chief addressing Aphrodite? They are simply mimicking.)
To be frank, I have no idea what S2 means. For me you could cut it and lose nothing.
High voices reach the goddess, ................. this is fine, but the next bit sounds like something copied from an archaeology text-book
while the low
drone that ties the performance together
honors with its pre-verbal "Na" the goddess
who rules the dead.................................... you're telling me what you know/think, not what 'na' means, nor how it 'honours'.
"Some say that an army of ships is the most beautiful ............Who is 'some', and why do they matter? (I'm not entirely sure about 'army' but could be convinced.)
thing on this black earth", the chorus sings
to welcome those returning from the perils
of vengeance and the sea ...................you've tried to hide it
but it's still 'the perils of the sea'. Too much the cliché for me.Now, I'm interested, who are those who are 'returning'? I don't see any mention of them later, so what is the point of this verse?
No idea what purpose S5 serves.
S6. and their ode
transforms into a paean
Which is, essentially, their song transforms into a song.
And, having thus transformed ...
S7. the chorus scatters. Why?
S8. Who and/or what are the 'crones' (I know, old women, but) where have they come from? And why.
TqB already pointed out the problem with 'to the temples' but it's still there in the latest version. It makes no sense River.
You've called this the 'Song of ... ' but where's the song?
their ears and necks spangled with gold
and silver, in finest linen dressed,
the noble women of Mytilene have gathered
to sing to Aphrodite:
"an army of ships is the most beautiful
thing on this black earth, let us give
a welcome to those returning
from vengeance and the sea."
Best, Knot.
.