05-13-2022, 01:18 AM
(05-12-2022, 08:34 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: What is rowing but obsession,
a sisyphean task,
the pursuit of perfection? period? change "the" to "a"? I think a period. You've answered your own question. And leave it at "the".
Through ache and blister we struggle.
Each stroke a house of cards
against which wind and wave conspire
to keep us from our destination.
Seduced by the promise of the new,
we long for the elusive symbiosis struggle, reach, pine,....suggestions? I personally like "long".
of mind, carbon, and sinew.
If lucky, many become one, resplendent. have never liked this as it isn't luck that get us there. I'd leave out "If lucky"
Pushing past ourselves,
stretching the laws of physics
in pursuit of transcendent motion.
This trial and tribulation
to what possible end;
the finish line, a medal,
the adoration of family and friends?
Maybe our destination is something else? "different", maybe? I think whichever sounds best to your ear.
Hearing a friend’s laughter across the water;
the blue heron caught in flight on a misty morning keep the "a"? Yes
are a better measure of us. is
This pursuit of perfection, it seems,
a fool’s errand from the start.
Plato’s dream, conceived in mind’s eye,
can only be realized in the heart.
Getting rid of the last two lines was painful because they represent the idea that I built the poem around from the start. The original last stanza read
Plato's dream, conceived in mind's eye,
can only be realized in the heart;
for the struggle is our salvation,
the journey is our destination.
My feeling is that "the journey is our destination" has been said before. (Previous line doesn't feel that way.) But it's your poem and these are just one person's ideas. Perhaps others will contribute. The poem deserves multiple critiques. Your poems are advanced enough in my reading that you might consider posting them in "Mild to Moderate". You might get more feedback. Or just wait a bit longer so people have more time to consider them.