05-12-2022, 01:09 AM
Hi Bryn, good concept that you've got here. However I think that your need to rhyme at times (and at others not) distracts from otherwise good lines. For example I like the idea of being 'in pursuit of transcendent motion' however you have it as 'in pursuit of motion transcendent' for the sake of the rhyme. This happens on a few occasions and because at times I didn't notice the rhyme then I feel it would be best to leave it for the sake of the poem.
There is a lot of repetition without need 'each stroke' 'each new stroke' and several mentions of 'pursuit of perfection', if these could be trimmed it would help.
Also watch out for redundancy
What is rowing but obsession,
a sisyphean task bound to fail,
a compulsion, this pursuit of perfection.
an obsession and compulsion could be classed as the same and technically i suppose a 'sisyphean task' is a task that is bound to fail.
The blue heron line is beautiful and makes the poem for me.
Everything is there, you just need a wee bit trimming.
Cheers for the read.
There is a lot of repetition without need 'each stroke' 'each new stroke' and several mentions of 'pursuit of perfection', if these could be trimmed it would help.
Also watch out for redundancy
What is rowing but obsession,
a sisyphean task bound to fail,
a compulsion, this pursuit of perfection.
an obsession and compulsion could be classed as the same and technically i suppose a 'sisyphean task' is a task that is bound to fail.
The blue heron line is beautiful and makes the poem for me.
Everything is there, you just need a wee bit trimming.
Cheers for the read.
wae aye man ye radgie