04-30-2022, 09:40 AM
Hello again Velasco-
Your poem struck me in such a way that I needed to revisit it.
If I change two words it felt very much closer to my heart: instead of "forget you", perhaps "remind me" ??
That said, I still think the opening needs work. The more I read it the less I like "conquerors who taste every spring"
Also- finding a rhyme/slant rhyme for 'breath' would also make that last word pop. I can bet that you already tried, and rejected the word 'death'. (Perhaps, "memory to rest" ?? or something like that.)
You are on to a very powerful piece here, Velasco. You've obviously thought this one through, and I hope that my suggestions can add a spark toward its completion.
Thanks again,
Mark
Your poem struck me in such a way that I needed to revisit it.
If I change two words it felt very much closer to my heart: instead of "forget you", perhaps "remind me" ??
That said, I still think the opening needs work. The more I read it the less I like "conquerors who taste every spring"
Also- finding a rhyme/slant rhyme for 'breath' would also make that last word pop. I can bet that you already tried, and rejected the word 'death'. (Perhaps, "memory to rest" ?? or something like that.)
You are on to a very powerful piece here, Velasco. You've obviously thought this one through, and I hope that my suggestions can add a spark toward its completion.
Thanks again,
Mark