04-30-2022, 06:47 AM
Hello Velasco-
some in-line comments, below:
Let conquerors who taste every spring, upon re-reading this seems archaic in light of what comes after
expecting youth, turn to dead marble— strong image, esp "dead"
I'll leave your memory The entire last section could be a poem on its own.
in rainbows that smell of hose water Yes! Great image- I've seen those rainbows, too.
to forget you in the way I'm a bit confused by the word 'forget', because we don't really forget.
the wind remembers breath. The bolded part is outstanding.
I'd like to like this piece more, yet the opening doesn't seem to resonate for what follows (for this reader.)
'Conquerors' just seems out of place, and the word "every" is not specific enough: I'm thinking along the lines of people who chase after spring expecting to stay young forever. Or at least be immortalized, in dead marble, thereafter.
I'm confused by "forget you" because the "rainbows that smell of hose water" seem to me to convey a strong sense of endearment.
Unless I'm way off base this poem says (to me): many people (conquerors) choose elaborate head stones for their graves, whereas your subject has chosen creamation. And you are watering the ashes.
Thanks for sharing this,
Mark
some in-line comments, below:
Let conquerors who taste every spring, upon re-reading this seems archaic in light of what comes after
expecting youth, turn to dead marble— strong image, esp "dead"
I'll leave your memory The entire last section could be a poem on its own.
in rainbows that smell of hose water Yes! Great image- I've seen those rainbows, too.
to forget you in the way I'm a bit confused by the word 'forget', because we don't really forget.
the wind remembers breath. The bolded part is outstanding.
I'd like to like this piece more, yet the opening doesn't seem to resonate for what follows (for this reader.)
'Conquerors' just seems out of place, and the word "every" is not specific enough: I'm thinking along the lines of people who chase after spring expecting to stay young forever. Or at least be immortalized, in dead marble, thereafter.
I'm confused by "forget you" because the "rainbows that smell of hose water" seem to me to convey a strong sense of endearment.
Unless I'm way off base this poem says (to me): many people (conquerors) choose elaborate head stones for their graves, whereas your subject has chosen creamation. And you are watering the ashes.
Thanks for sharing this,
Mark