03-29-2022, 01:29 AM
Hey Semi C-
I suggest going with present tense
I had a translucent hand, A different way to introduce this may help.
that revealed truths when I looked through it; Maybe "revealing"? I think another word for "truths", eg "mysteries"?
a window white space could set apart "a window"
where flowers sprouted from moon dust
and burned eternally. "eternally" adds little, for me, at least, since it's such a vague concept
????? You need a concluding thought here. A guess at what is revealed? As it is, the poem ends too abruptly for me to have an impact. If yer gonna go surreal, might as well go all the way...
...Mark
I suggest going with present tense
I had a translucent hand, A different way to introduce this may help.
that revealed truths when I looked through it; Maybe "revealing"? I think another word for "truths", eg "mysteries"?
a window white space could set apart "a window"
where flowers sprouted from moon dust
and burned eternally. "eternally" adds little, for me, at least, since it's such a vague concept
????? You need a concluding thought here. A guess at what is revealed? As it is, the poem ends too abruptly for me to have an impact. If yer gonna go surreal, might as well go all the way...
...Mark