A Blues Guitarist

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Mark. Enjoyed the revision. A few thoughts...

A blues guitarist
searches for the perfect blue note
behind an electric African rhythm
and syncopated shotgun blasts
amongst the melancholia of glass I'm wondering if "melancholia" over "melancholy" might add a dimension beyond the original intent. Either way I think you could improve on "amongst." 
Would prefer the guitarist was

drunk on the melancholia
or basking in the melancholia
or wailing to the melancholia

or anything that adds rather than fills. (hope that make sense) Feels as though glass on steel is the climax and "amongst" sounds a passive way to surrender to it.
on steel.


previous version

A Blues Guitarist

The whole room shakes,
dancing in time
to a blues guitarist
sat on an old wooden stool,
feet stomping on an old wooden floor.

Rocking - in a trance
fiery fingers patrol the fretboard
while an electric rhythm hand slaps out
an African bassline

- punctuated
by the melancholic cries of glass on steel
and syncopated shotgun blasts
-- the clashing of frets.

Lost inside a hypnotic riff
nailed to a groove
he searches for that gorgeous
blue note.




first thing i've wrote in ages so bit rusty and any comments would be helpful, wonder if it's worth pursuing further, cheers