03-05-2022, 09:33 PM
.
Hi TqB,
Enjoyed the read. Is it worth polishing? I think so, but your call.
It's a satisfying ending, but the opening verse lets it down. I don't think it really answers the 'why' in 'I turn spectator ... '
I'd suggest revisiting 'beautiful' (L13), football is 'the beautiful game', so ... perhaps an alternative?
I like the idea of football being played/commentated on in a foreign language (S3) and needing a 'translator' (and it works with the 'inaccurate language' ... 'runs, kicks, collisions' indeed! Though 'rolling agonies' is very nice.)
Why 'secretly' (S4, who are you hiding it from, and why)?
What does 'even on refusal' mean? (S5).
I like your 'gently ... relegation' ( no-one who supports a club in such straits views it as anything other than brutal. It works well from the 'foreign observer' pov though.)
(ignoring the first verse)
I, who’ve hated sports
since I was old enough to be picked
last for any team
now revel in a game
I barely understand.
I'm a spectator of something ..................... if 'revel' then surely you're a 'fan' not a mere spectator?
called The English Premier League,
(not ignoring the first verse)
I want to grow old
without going mad.
I never learnt the lessons
of middle-age,
not properly,
psychiatry
a life sentence.
(but it still doesn't lead to the second
)
Best, Knot
.
Hi TqB,
Enjoyed the read. Is it worth polishing? I think so, but your call.
It's a satisfying ending, but the opening verse lets it down. I don't think it really answers the 'why' in 'I turn spectator ... '
I'd suggest revisiting 'beautiful' (L13), football is 'the beautiful game', so ... perhaps an alternative?
I like the idea of football being played/commentated on in a foreign language (S3) and needing a 'translator' (and it works with the 'inaccurate language' ... 'runs, kicks, collisions' indeed! Though 'rolling agonies' is very nice.)
Why 'secretly' (S4, who are you hiding it from, and why)?
What does 'even on refusal' mean? (S5).
I like your 'gently ... relegation' ( no-one who supports a club in such straits views it as anything other than brutal. It works well from the 'foreign observer' pov though.)
(ignoring the first verse)
I, who’ve hated sports
since I was old enough to be picked
last for any team
now revel in a game
I barely understand.
I'm a spectator of something ..................... if 'revel' then surely you're a 'fan' not a mere spectator?
called The English Premier League,
(not ignoring the first verse)
I want to grow old
without going mad.
I never learnt the lessons
of middle-age,
not properly,
psychiatry
a life sentence.
(but it still doesn't lead to the second
)Best, Knot
.