03-02-2022, 06:13 AM
Hey busker-
I'm not convinced by this one. I get the move from born-to-dying but don't need it spelled out, or the Blake/Yeats addition. For me, the entire sentiment is spoken in the last stanza. That said, more eroticism is needed to convince me of that last line. Below, I've vandalized your poem:
We're lying to ourselves,
denying the certainty
of our reality, and we do so,
so conveniently.
Darling,
you were lovely tonight,
all shuddering loins,
and purloined joys of youth,
your mouth needs sexier decription, something like "your pouting lips"
round with affectation. You really need to add on here to emphasize the "purlioned joys". Something explicit about the stolen moments. We're all adults here, I think. This needs to be the meat of the piece.
And afterwards, when you had left, This denouement is a good move.
the car’s fan belt squeaking, Nice sonic image
I lay remembering
a moonlit bridge in Venice. Good, subtle ending, yet requires more that leads to it.
I'm not convinced by this one. I get the move from born-to-dying but don't need it spelled out, or the Blake/Yeats addition. For me, the entire sentiment is spoken in the last stanza. That said, more eroticism is needed to convince me of that last line. Below, I've vandalized your poem:
We're lying to ourselves,
denying the certainty
of our reality, and we do so,
so conveniently.
Darling,
you were lovely tonight,
all shuddering loins,
and purloined joys of youth,
your mouth needs sexier decription, something like "your pouting lips"
round with affectation. You really need to add on here to emphasize the "purlioned joys". Something explicit about the stolen moments. We're all adults here, I think. This needs to be the meat of the piece.
And afterwards, when you had left, This denouement is a good move.
the car’s fan belt squeaking, Nice sonic image
I lay remembering
a moonlit bridge in Venice. Good, subtle ending, yet requires more that leads to it.