02-18-2022, 01:56 AM
.
Hi Mark,
just a couple or three points.
'curled' - anything better,
'softly' then 'gently' is a bit much (similarly three -ings? One too many I think),
and maybe move the opening to the beginning? As in
That murmuring you make,
stirring in our bed, dawn
softly illuminating our room [with/in ... ?],
the fan gently whirring
overhead, and your arm
curled across my heart.
Nothing that I say today
will mean as much
Best, Knot
.
.
Hi Mark,
just a couple or three points.
'curled' - anything better,
'softly' then 'gently' is a bit much (similarly three -ings? One too many I think),
and maybe move the opening to the beginning? As in
That murmuring you make,
stirring in our bed, dawn
softly illuminating our room [with/in ... ?],
the fan gently whirring
overhead, and your arm
curled across my heart.
Nothing that I say today
will mean as much
Best, Knot
.
.

