02-17-2022, 11:49 PM
Hey semi-
Some in-line comments:
Trails of ink dragging across, "dragging across" needs to be replaced, or cut
blotches warping the paper.
Itching away at the lovebite you gave, interesting, but it's you that's itching not the ink. A simple "I'm itching" would correct that. I'd turn the line on "lovebite" to make it stand out- "you gave" could start the next line. (With a period after you gave. Not a comma.)
Crimson under my nails. suggests tension/anxiety, blood under finger nails
I'd re-construct the line breaks, but it's your poem.
Little pink scribbles "little" is an unecessary filler word
etched on the envelope.
Overlapping hearts,
beating like a drum. avoid this cliche at all costs
Love note in hand,
eyes peering from behind.
and though you won't see them
They'll be watching. Unexpected stalker/jealously vibe here. But that's OK in matters of the heart.
Perhaps you could combine S.2 and S.3 to maximize the intensity of S.1.
I know how I would do it, but I'm curious to see what you'd come up with.
Hey semi-
I'm afraid you added too much, and way overdid it. Like, WAY overdid it.
The "jaw" / "maw" forced rhyme destroyed the sparseness of this one. And sparseness allows readers to fill out a poem- it was what made this poem more fascinating. 7/8 of the "iceberg" can remain under water, and we'll still see that iceberg.
Some in-line comments:
Trails of ink dragging across, "dragging across" needs to be replaced, or cut
blotches warping the paper.
Itching away at the lovebite you gave, interesting, but it's you that's itching not the ink. A simple "I'm itching" would correct that. I'd turn the line on "lovebite" to make it stand out- "you gave" could start the next line. (With a period after you gave. Not a comma.)
Crimson under my nails. suggests tension/anxiety, blood under finger nails
I'd re-construct the line breaks, but it's your poem.
Little pink scribbles "little" is an unecessary filler word
etched on the envelope.
Overlapping hearts,
beating like a drum. avoid this cliche at all costs
Love note in hand,
eyes peering from behind.
and though you won't see them
They'll be watching. Unexpected stalker/jealously vibe here. But that's OK in matters of the heart.
Perhaps you could combine S.2 and S.3 to maximize the intensity of S.1.
I know how I would do it, but I'm curious to see what you'd come up with.
Hey semi-
I'm afraid you added too much, and way overdid it. Like, WAY overdid it.
The "jaw" / "maw" forced rhyme destroyed the sparseness of this one. And sparseness allows readers to fill out a poem- it was what made this poem more fascinating. 7/8 of the "iceberg" can remain under water, and we'll still see that iceberg.