01-29-2022, 10:23 PM
Hello busker-
Some in-line comments below:
Iasos
This is a poem about Iasos, I don't need this line
of moss growing on stones,
stones becoming walls, smitten by the rod
of thunder gods, lying forgotten
in tall grass. The glass-like moved "like" up, to clarify that it's water
harbour at noon, broken
by rain, and rippled by the wind
dragging a cloud canvas. my favorite section
We sheltered under ruined battlements,
beaming light ?? with flashlights, or eye beams??
now beyond the nearest stars,
outdistancing alpha centauri,
heading towards Sirius, I'm a bit confused by this section
coming back - who knows when -
to Iasos in the stardust. I don't need this line
And likewise in the microcosm I get the contrast, yet another word would work better (earthbound?)
of petty existences -another way to say this, that is more personal, leading to the ending
for we too are made of star stuff - I don't need this line. It verges on cliche
having travelled many roads
I come back to you again.
I take it this to be about the ancient city in Greece, and not the musician. Some more imagery, especially in the second section, would help this one arrive at its ending.
...Mark
Some in-line comments below:
Iasos
This is a poem about Iasos, I don't need this line
of moss growing on stones,
stones becoming walls, smitten by the rod
of thunder gods, lying forgotten
in tall grass. The glass-like moved "like" up, to clarify that it's water
harbour at noon, broken
by rain, and rippled by the wind
dragging a cloud canvas. my favorite section
We sheltered under ruined battlements,
beaming light ?? with flashlights, or eye beams??
now beyond the nearest stars,
outdistancing alpha centauri,
heading towards Sirius, I'm a bit confused by this section
coming back - who knows when -
to Iasos in the stardust. I don't need this line
And likewise in the microcosm I get the contrast, yet another word would work better (earthbound?)
of petty existences -another way to say this, that is more personal, leading to the ending
for we too are made of star stuff - I don't need this line. It verges on cliche
having travelled many roads
I come back to you again.
I take it this to be about the ancient city in Greece, and not the musician. Some more imagery, especially in the second section, would help this one arrive at its ending.
...Mark