01-22-2022, 04:26 AM
I like the topic, so often writing portrays the excitement and adventure of youth, its refreshing to be reminded of the otherside of the lifespan. i also really like the line "an obedient child of time" its potent, makes me pause and think.
In the first stanza, when you say:
"this is no way to go, the best way to go
or simply another window-framed Nowhere,"
it sounds like it should be a question, confirmed afterwards by:
"I’m not sure which but sure
I’ll never know the answer."
id recommend rephrasing it as a question, such as
"is this no way to go...?"
and the double use of sure is somewhat repeatative, how about a synonym, like 'certain' ?
someone mentioned that the field and roads are at odds, but it gave me the imagery of travelling a road and looking out at the scenery to the sides of the road, the road of life changing from vibrant spring forests to that shorn winter field. i think it works, but id recommend making it 'a road' rather than multitudes. something about being on just one "abandoned road", followed by " looking both ways, an obedient child of time"
gives me, as the reader, a sense that theres no choice in growing old, the scenery it brings. it makes me question if the obedience to time is willing. which makes me think more deeply about the experience of senescence.
with that in mind, i would make it "life" that has shrunk to a level map, and not "the world", but thats pure preference.
great ideas in this poem, i enjoyed the direction it encouraged me to consider of old age.
In the first stanza, when you say:
"this is no way to go, the best way to go
or simply another window-framed Nowhere,"
it sounds like it should be a question, confirmed afterwards by:
"I’m not sure which but sure
I’ll never know the answer."
id recommend rephrasing it as a question, such as
"is this no way to go...?"
and the double use of sure is somewhat repeatative, how about a synonym, like 'certain' ?
someone mentioned that the field and roads are at odds, but it gave me the imagery of travelling a road and looking out at the scenery to the sides of the road, the road of life changing from vibrant spring forests to that shorn winter field. i think it works, but id recommend making it 'a road' rather than multitudes. something about being on just one "abandoned road", followed by " looking both ways, an obedient child of time"
gives me, as the reader, a sense that theres no choice in growing old, the scenery it brings. it makes me question if the obedience to time is willing. which makes me think more deeply about the experience of senescence.
with that in mind, i would make it "life" that has shrunk to a level map, and not "the world", but thats pure preference.
great ideas in this poem, i enjoyed the direction it encouraged me to consider of old age.