01-19-2022, 01:04 AM
OK Tim -
I'll take another shot at it (pun intended):
For surprisingly little cost
you can vastly increase
the voices curled
inside the empty chambers I think the gun should be loaded
of the revolver pointed at your head.
Merely synchronize
your diminishing heartbeat "breathing" would be more to the point than "diminishing heartbeat"
to the setting of the sun
and erase the red music maybe "engage"
at the edges of the flesh stumble here every time I read it
until there is no horizon. re-think "until there is no" to simply "beyond the" ?
So easy anyone can do it. I still like this as a final line: trying to sell the idea of suicide to oneself (I get the dark humor). That said, the "sales pitch" ahead of that ending would require less poetic, more direct language. Thus, some of the reasoning behind my in-line suggestions, above.
As an aside, I used to joke with myself about playing Russian roulette with an imaginary gun: loading a single round, spinning the chamber, pulling the trigger... when I'm still there, saying, "I guess I just gotta put up with this shit."
I'll take another shot at it (pun intended):
For surprisingly little cost
you can vastly increase
the voices curled
inside the empty chambers I think the gun should be loaded
of the revolver pointed at your head.
Merely synchronize
your diminishing heartbeat "breathing" would be more to the point than "diminishing heartbeat"
to the setting of the sun
and erase the red music maybe "engage"
at the edges of the flesh stumble here every time I read it
until there is no horizon. re-think "until there is no" to simply "beyond the" ?
So easy anyone can do it. I still like this as a final line: trying to sell the idea of suicide to oneself (I get the dark humor). That said, the "sales pitch" ahead of that ending would require less poetic, more direct language. Thus, some of the reasoning behind my in-line suggestions, above.
As an aside, I used to joke with myself about playing Russian roulette with an imaginary gun: loading a single round, spinning the chamber, pulling the trigger... when I'm still there, saying, "I guess I just gotta put up with this shit."