Senescence

[Knot]

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Hi TqB.

I like the idea, and the tone, but it doesn't come together, for me.  The biggest difficulty is at some point you've gone from a 'shorn winter field' to 'an abandoned road', and I can't tell when.  To keep both I think you need a bridge of some sort.

Here at the end
I’m fading into invisibility, .............. feels like either the first or second line is redundant
hardly taking a breath
that’s not filled with decades,
exhaling atoms of regret .................. anything better than 'atom's, seems from a different lexicon.
that don’t even qualify as a sigh.

I spend my day meditating .............. should it be 'my days' or 'the day'?
on a shorn winter field: ................... really like the image (not sure it's best served by what follows)
this is no way to go, the best way to go
or simply another window-framed Nowhere,
I’m not sure which but sure
I’ll never know the answer.

Friends all passed on
into a level distance that has no map
I cross and recross an abandoned road
looking both ways
an obedient child of time. ............ falls down for me, at the end (the 'looking both ways' especially).


Just a thought


I spend the day meditating
on a shorn winter field ................. any chance of a bit more description of the field?

hardly taking a breath
that wasn't filled with decades

friends all passed on
a distance that has no map

I cross and recross
an abandoned road

this is no way to go
this is the best way to go

I'm not sure, but sure
I'll never know the answer


Having got this far, I think the title's a bit heavy handed (but you were expecting something like that, weren't you? )

Best, Knot

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