01-13-2022, 10:24 PM
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Hi TribalT,
some interesting and engaging imagery, but I think it gets lost in the grammatical/linguistic thicket.
The Longest Night ....................... Not sure about the title, especially by the end.
No warn of soul’s wrestle in the longest night ............. I'm a Brit and I don't get this (it could be 'no warning of', or 'none warn that', or something else entirely) and like Tiger said, it's uninviting.
This unified celebration of the shortest day
In anticipation for ease and child’s play light ........... why this enjambment? Needlessly confusing.
is to refuse the work
Like cold mother, her baby, in wail and need
is the denial of demons ............................................ are you missing a comma after need? Can't follow this sentence.
Who take off their stiletto and unwind their hair ........ is the knife/shoe ambiguity deliberate?
To show they are also fragile in this terror .............. 'this terror'? The 'longest night'?
I don't think this verse is the best way to begin this piece, particularly as you immediately switch to
Alone
Moon holds a gaze and gifts attentive suspire “My sweet friend, I know”
The grammar and word choice combine to make each look forced. Even if you didn't want to go with the simpler 'sighs', you might consider
Alone
Moon draws breath, holds her gaze and gifts, "My sweet friend, I know
Also, why is there a speech mark after know? Isn't the next line a continuation of this?
You can collapse in shatter and bone,
And give in ........................................... (You can give in ?)
Surrender your cherish ...................... you've 'give in' then 'surrender' do you need both?
And let hungry wolves feast on your most precious organs
Not because you have given up ......... and now 'given up', the repetitions aren't working well.
But because they have chosen you
It’s oft that demons hail .................... this 'oft' doesn't fit will with the previous 6-8 lines. And, Brit or not, not understanding 'hail'
And spew into the most important aspects of your life ............ given what follows, do you need this line at all? (And what are they spewing anyway?)
Where they steep in your skin
Speak your tongue
Turn your eyes into glass
As you try to grasp someone you need
But leak your worms and rot
where they can no longer sympathise”
But this was the longest night .....................'But'? And shouldn't 'was' be 'is'?
It’s okay to lose ......................................... who's speaking here? The Moon, again? Mindful of your 'olde English' argument, what are you doing using a 19th century American term like 'okay'?
It’s okay to cripple
As it’s okay to accept the long aftermath
It’s okay to be deranged
And It’s okay to be disordered
When life has snapped in tangle and bite ........ possibly my favourite line.
It’s okay to take off your hat and clothes
And show rib and spine to the strong
And be your worms ........................................ what does this mean?
For you have just wrestled the
incomprehensible ........................................ I know the feeling
To soothe more formed and known
To know thyself and dance all corners of this Being
As you honour to be the whole of what God truly loves .............I don't understand what this has to do with 'longest night' - is there a myth or piece of folklore you're referencing?
I'd suggest considering rearranging the last four or five verses,* as in
It’s okay to be deranged
And It’s okay to be disordered
When life has snapped in tangle and bite
It’s okay to take off your hat and clothes
And show rib and spine to the strong
And be your worms
It’s okay to lose
It’s okay to cripple
As it’s okay to accept the long aftermath .......... I'd be tempted to end with this line
To soothe more formed and known
For you have just wrestled
the incomprehensible ...................................... though this, as an end line, also works.
(*assuming you find an alternative to 'okay').
I'd suggest cutting the first and last verses, and having the whole thing as a single speech by Moon. Again, I agree with Tiger, there's the 'bones of a good poem' here, it just needs to be released.
A final, minor, gripe. You use 'and' a lot (and it becomes noticeable)
Best, Knot
.
Hi TribalT,
some interesting and engaging imagery, but I think it gets lost in the grammatical/linguistic thicket.
The Longest Night ....................... Not sure about the title, especially by the end.
No warn of soul’s wrestle in the longest night ............. I'm a Brit and I don't get this (it could be 'no warning of', or 'none warn that', or something else entirely) and like Tiger said, it's uninviting.
This unified celebration of the shortest day
In anticipation for ease and child’s play light ........... why this enjambment? Needlessly confusing.
is to refuse the work
Like cold mother, her baby, in wail and need
is the denial of demons ............................................ are you missing a comma after need? Can't follow this sentence.
Who take off their stiletto and unwind their hair ........ is the knife/shoe ambiguity deliberate?
To show they are also fragile in this terror .............. 'this terror'? The 'longest night'?
I don't think this verse is the best way to begin this piece, particularly as you immediately switch to
Alone
Moon holds a gaze and gifts attentive suspire “My sweet friend, I know”
The grammar and word choice combine to make each look forced. Even if you didn't want to go with the simpler 'sighs', you might consider
Alone
Moon draws breath, holds her gaze and gifts, "My sweet friend, I know
Also, why is there a speech mark after know? Isn't the next line a continuation of this?
You can collapse in shatter and bone,
And give in ........................................... (You can give in ?)
Surrender your cherish ...................... you've 'give in' then 'surrender' do you need both?
And let hungry wolves feast on your most precious organs
Not because you have given up ......... and now 'given up', the repetitions aren't working well.
But because they have chosen you
It’s oft that demons hail .................... this 'oft' doesn't fit will with the previous 6-8 lines. And, Brit or not, not understanding 'hail'
And spew into the most important aspects of your life ............ given what follows, do you need this line at all? (And what are they spewing anyway?)
Where they steep in your skin
Speak your tongue
Turn your eyes into glass
As you try to grasp someone you need
But leak your worms and rot
where they can no longer sympathise”
But this was the longest night .....................'But'? And shouldn't 'was' be 'is'?
It’s okay to lose ......................................... who's speaking here? The Moon, again? Mindful of your 'olde English' argument, what are you doing using a 19th century American term like 'okay'?
It’s okay to cripple
As it’s okay to accept the long aftermath
It’s okay to be deranged
And It’s okay to be disordered
When life has snapped in tangle and bite ........ possibly my favourite line.
It’s okay to take off your hat and clothes
And show rib and spine to the strong
And be your worms ........................................ what does this mean?
For you have just wrestled the
incomprehensible ........................................ I know the feeling
To soothe more formed and known
To know thyself and dance all corners of this Being
As you honour to be the whole of what God truly loves .............I don't understand what this has to do with 'longest night' - is there a myth or piece of folklore you're referencing?
I'd suggest considering rearranging the last four or five verses,* as in
It’s okay to be deranged
And It’s okay to be disordered
When life has snapped in tangle and bite
It’s okay to take off your hat and clothes
And show rib and spine to the strong
And be your worms
It’s okay to lose
It’s okay to cripple
As it’s okay to accept the long aftermath .......... I'd be tempted to end with this line
To soothe more formed and known
For you have just wrestled
the incomprehensible ...................................... though this, as an end line, also works.
(*assuming you find an alternative to 'okay').
I'd suggest cutting the first and last verses, and having the whole thing as a single speech by Moon. Again, I agree with Tiger, there's the 'bones of a good poem' here, it just needs to be released.
A final, minor, gripe. You use 'and' a lot (and it becomes noticeable)
Best, Knot
.