Winter Solstice

[Tiger the Lion]

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with the use of alternative grammar as a device. For me, it becomes an issue when that device takes priority over clarity. The grammar in question begins in L1 where the reader has yet to gain any momentum. (let them sink their teeth in a little first) The inconsistent use of Caps or no Caps at the start of each line also somewhat confuses the narrative. The content has the bones of a good poem but I think rethinking the delivery (even a little) would help it along.