01-08-2022, 12:41 AM
This is really good. I particularly like the use of Cross-Rhyme. I see: creek/green, pews/perfume, believe/be, words/heard, day/way, and speak/meet. Since there is so much of it, I assume it is intentional. If so, very well done.
Maybe could tighten up the end rhyme scheme so that they are all the same. All end rhymes seem to be ABCB, except the first and penultimate stanzas. The first one is ABCB if you count the cross rhyme as the second "B", but it may seem a bit forced. Why draw attention to the fact the snake was "green" other than to force the rhyme? I still like that part though. The penultimate is AABA.
May want to keep it as is, as I am overly OCD at times.
Maybe could tighten up the end rhyme scheme so that they are all the same. All end rhymes seem to be ABCB, except the first and penultimate stanzas. The first one is ABCB if you count the cross rhyme as the second "B", but it may seem a bit forced. Why draw attention to the fact the snake was "green" other than to force the rhyme? I still like that part though. The penultimate is AABA.
May want to keep it as is, as I am overly OCD at times.