01-07-2022, 11:56 AM
Hey Wj-
Some in-line comments below:
Beacon seems to suggest something giving guidance, or hope
I don't often remember dreams. most people don't, but, OK
The liquid evaporates in the shower, don't think you need the shower part. Why not "water" instead of "liquid"?
or else it remains at the bottom
of the plastic yogurt cups
I toss in the bin
beneath my leaky sink.
The faintest remnants remnants of this mysterious liquid
get trapped in my pores
and stored in the liver maybe "my liver" instead of "the liver"
to fester. hmm? now the liquid festers, so it must not be water
Every few months sudden shift here, and the mysterious liquid unceremoniously dropped outta the picture
while driving to the dentist I'm veering off course from making any sense of this now; becoming more obscure
or waiting in line for groceries, ain't sure at all where you're heading with this
scaling Kailash in flip flops
after dancing a jig with a pixie haired girl
on the subway at the stop
near my old college dorm
Ya lost me Wj. The end of the list doesn't seem to be the end of the poem. Sorta like you just quit writing; ran out of gas.
And it definitely left me stranded. If the "beacon" is quiding me somewhere, then I have no idea where.
This one requires more work in order to give this reader some clue as to what may be clear in your mind, but doesn't work as a beacon toward my understanding. You don't need to yell out directions, but I feel like you crashed me into the rocky shore.
If it is about a dream you're trying to remember, I can see vagueness, or surrealism, but this drifts into obscurity, and is very difficult for a reader like me to latch on to. While dreams can prove elusive, they can provide an excellent, if tricky, opportunity to convey via poetry.
That said, ya gotta help me out here, Wj....
Mark
Some in-line comments below:
Beacon seems to suggest something giving guidance, or hope
I don't often remember dreams. most people don't, but, OK
The liquid evaporates in the shower, don't think you need the shower part. Why not "water" instead of "liquid"?
or else it remains at the bottom
of the plastic yogurt cups
I toss in the bin
beneath my leaky sink.
The faintest remnants remnants of this mysterious liquid
get trapped in my pores
and stored in the liver maybe "my liver" instead of "the liver"
to fester. hmm? now the liquid festers, so it must not be water
Every few months sudden shift here, and the mysterious liquid unceremoniously dropped outta the picture
while driving to the dentist I'm veering off course from making any sense of this now; becoming more obscure
or waiting in line for groceries, ain't sure at all where you're heading with this
scaling Kailash in flip flops
after dancing a jig with a pixie haired girl
on the subway at the stop
near my old college dorm
Ya lost me Wj. The end of the list doesn't seem to be the end of the poem. Sorta like you just quit writing; ran out of gas.
And it definitely left me stranded. If the "beacon" is quiding me somewhere, then I have no idea where.
This one requires more work in order to give this reader some clue as to what may be clear in your mind, but doesn't work as a beacon toward my understanding. You don't need to yell out directions, but I feel like you crashed me into the rocky shore.
If it is about a dream you're trying to remember, I can see vagueness, or surrealism, but this drifts into obscurity, and is very difficult for a reader like me to latch on to. While dreams can prove elusive, they can provide an excellent, if tricky, opportunity to convey via poetry.
That said, ya gotta help me out here, Wj....
Mark