11-28-2021, 10:13 PM
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Hi River,
impressive first attempt.
The main positive is the story itself, interesting and (largely) well told. The negatives are the end word variants (why is it 'ration' in S1 but nowhere else? And two 'screamings' out of seven? Three 'hyena' and four 'hyenas'? I think you could be more consistent with just a little more effort) and verses (three, and) four and five, could they not be condensed/combined?
I'm not that bothered by the inconsistent line lengths but it might be worth revisiting.
March, summer for suckers, fills the café
with those who dress in vintage, ration ................ 'full of' instead of 'with'? Are these people old or foreign, I couldn't tell.
like it's wartime, and silently scream .................... 'silently scream' is pretty bad, particularly as you go on to quote what was supposedly silent.
into their phones, "This world's a stove
run out of gas! Who can raise a child ........... a stove run out of gas (sound like a proverb, but) makes me thing of cold (first), useless (second). Not sure either works.
in this climate?" All while the old hyena
(I know it would mess up the format, but ...
into their phones, "Who can raise a child
in this climate? This place is a stove
run out of gas!" Meanwhile the old hyenas )
laughs, skulking for food. Here in Addis Ababa, hyenas ........ does it have to 'laugh'? It just feels so predictable.
fill the streets at night, scavenge the cafés .......... you've had 'fill the cafe' so any alternatives? And why cafés plural?
and hospitals for left-behind children ................. wondered about 'left-over' for 'left behind'. And why 'hospitals' (given that they don't feature any more in the poem)?
like beggars for scraps of himbasha. "Wasted rations", ...... confused by the comparison with beggars (who are not typically as predatory as hyenas, or able to run as fast.) And 'himbasha' is a Christmas bread (apparently), so what's the significance here?
thinks the beggar tending an old stove,
"all a mother's labor, all her screams
dissolved by stomach acid." Every night, the screams
(or is it laughs?) of roughing it (or living the life?) hyenas .... pretty poor line, very awkward to read, and the idea that screams permeate doesn't really work. Maybe a bit more describing the ciry at night?
permeate the air like smoke from earthen stoves
cooking charcoal to sell to the cafes ........... perhaps rework to include the type of people who are doing the 'cooking'?
who serve their coffee authentic. Such fancy rations
are for the tourists and their spoiled children, ....... shouldn't this be a period?
imported coffee and himbasha loaves and the occasional child
to be brought back home and shown the wonders of screaming ... 'brought back home' is a bit ambiguous.
into one's phone, complaining about such meager rations
as foreign bread and coffee! A hyena
grins -- "Isn't she cute?" -- while the café
drives away the beggar from their stove ............. apart from 'wonders of screaming' and 'isn't she cute', the rest seems like filler. Adds nothing in terms of narrative or colour.
for the tourists to take their picture. "Back home, our stoves
are powered by electricity. They're safe enough for a child
to touch, so long as she's not metal." The owner of the café ......... the 'so long as she's not metal' seems unnecessary.
musses his daughter's hair. "Come on, stop your screaming. ....... ' musses' is an odd choice, it doesn't sound like something a local would say (but what do I know?)
Out there in New York, there are no hyenas
and you won't have to save your rations ......................... I find this 'rations' problematic, it seems to be used just to preserve the form, not because that's how this person would speak.
like it's wartime." "Baba, it's not about the rations
nor the burns on my arms this ancient stove
has all the right to inflict. Are you sure there are no hyenas ........... like the introduction of the child's voice (would like more) but 'has all the right to inflict' is peculiar (who thinks like that?), but the next two lines don't seem quite as convincing.
where you ask to send me? Where none of the children
seem to suffer, where none of them cry and scream?"
The sun sets. The tourists leave the café
with their new child. The grinning hyena....................... this is just too big a leap for me. Between one line and the next the father hand's over his daughter? I feel cheated. Where's his reply/explanaton to her questions in the previous verse. Where's the (false) reassurance that there 'are no hyenas'?
I'd like to see a bit more of the father and daughter, a bit less of the phones and himbasha.
rubs her back against the dying stove, her rations
lying in a pile behind the café. Another scream.
Best, Knot
.
Hi River,
impressive first attempt.
The main positive is the story itself, interesting and (largely) well told. The negatives are the end word variants (why is it 'ration' in S1 but nowhere else? And two 'screamings' out of seven? Three 'hyena' and four 'hyenas'? I think you could be more consistent with just a little more effort) and verses (three, and) four and five, could they not be condensed/combined?
I'm not that bothered by the inconsistent line lengths but it might be worth revisiting.
March, summer for suckers, fills the café
with those who dress in vintage, ration ................ 'full of' instead of 'with'? Are these people old or foreign, I couldn't tell.
like it's wartime, and silently scream .................... 'silently scream' is pretty bad, particularly as you go on to quote what was supposedly silent.
into their phones, "This world's a stove
run out of gas! Who can raise a child ........... a stove run out of gas (sound like a proverb, but) makes me thing of cold (first), useless (second). Not sure either works.
in this climate?" All while the old hyena
(I know it would mess up the format, but ...
into their phones, "Who can raise a child
in this climate? This place is a stove
run out of gas!" Meanwhile the old hyenas )
laughs, skulking for food. Here in Addis Ababa, hyenas ........ does it have to 'laugh'? It just feels so predictable.
fill the streets at night, scavenge the cafés .......... you've had 'fill the cafe' so any alternatives? And why cafés plural?
and hospitals for left-behind children ................. wondered about 'left-over' for 'left behind'. And why 'hospitals' (given that they don't feature any more in the poem)?
like beggars for scraps of himbasha. "Wasted rations", ...... confused by the comparison with beggars (who are not typically as predatory as hyenas, or able to run as fast.) And 'himbasha' is a Christmas bread (apparently), so what's the significance here?
thinks the beggar tending an old stove,
"all a mother's labor, all her screams
dissolved by stomach acid." Every night, the screams
(or is it laughs?) of roughing it (or living the life?) hyenas .... pretty poor line, very awkward to read, and the idea that screams permeate doesn't really work. Maybe a bit more describing the ciry at night?
permeate the air like smoke from earthen stoves
cooking charcoal to sell to the cafes ........... perhaps rework to include the type of people who are doing the 'cooking'?
who serve their coffee authentic. Such fancy rations
are for the tourists and their spoiled children, ....... shouldn't this be a period?
imported coffee and himbasha loaves and the occasional child
to be brought back home and shown the wonders of screaming ... 'brought back home' is a bit ambiguous.
into one's phone, complaining about such meager rations
as foreign bread and coffee! A hyena
grins -- "Isn't she cute?" -- while the café
drives away the beggar from their stove ............. apart from 'wonders of screaming' and 'isn't she cute', the rest seems like filler. Adds nothing in terms of narrative or colour.
for the tourists to take their picture. "Back home, our stoves
are powered by electricity. They're safe enough for a child
to touch, so long as she's not metal." The owner of the café ......... the 'so long as she's not metal' seems unnecessary.
musses his daughter's hair. "Come on, stop your screaming. ....... ' musses' is an odd choice, it doesn't sound like something a local would say (but what do I know?)
Out there in New York, there are no hyenas
and you won't have to save your rations ......................... I find this 'rations' problematic, it seems to be used just to preserve the form, not because that's how this person would speak.
like it's wartime." "Baba, it's not about the rations
nor the burns on my arms this ancient stove
has all the right to inflict. Are you sure there are no hyenas ........... like the introduction of the child's voice (would like more) but 'has all the right to inflict' is peculiar (who thinks like that?), but the next two lines don't seem quite as convincing.
where you ask to send me? Where none of the children
seem to suffer, where none of them cry and scream?"
The sun sets. The tourists leave the café
with their new child. The grinning hyena....................... this is just too big a leap for me. Between one line and the next the father hand's over his daughter? I feel cheated. Where's his reply/explanaton to her questions in the previous verse. Where's the (false) reassurance that there 'are no hyenas'?
I'd like to see a bit more of the father and daughter, a bit less of the phones and himbasha.
rubs her back against the dying stove, her rations
lying in a pile behind the café. Another scream.
Best, Knot
.