11-12-2021, 09:21 PM
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Hi Alex,
the 'loon's lament' in S2 isn't working, and some of the enjambments feel almost random. Not convinced that the late introduction of 'ether' helps, either.
Shell ................................................ don't think this is doing enough, and the ending makes me think of petrol/gas stations.
In the dislocation of today .............
from yesterday and you, ................ like the idea of this, but could it be unpacked slightly?
In the dislocation of yesterday
from today, and the _________ of you
from ....... ?
or, alternatively
In the dislocation of this day
from yesterdays and you
those crowds ............................... which crowds? Or crowds of what?
did not diminish---instead we vanished.
And the weeds that burgeoned
from our echoed silhouettes, whisper that
the balloons that slipped into the clouds
still roam the ether. .................. this seems to be trying to hard, and not succeeding.
Like the distant sounding of an evening a train, ............ added 'evening' to pair with 'tonight' in the final verse (I think you need to establish the time of day earlier in the piece, and something like this might help. Likewise 'dying', below).
the aching/dying day reverberates
through joints, into a sky ................... whose joints?
where all the stars have been replaced
by one that blinks tiredly
from a radio tower. Nearly silent
with the stillness of a sleeping lake,
the pavement bears memories ....... is 'bears' the right word?
like a loon's lament
that illuminate the abandoned ..... given 'sodium-lit' 'illuminate' seems needlessly confusing. Would 'animate' work? Or even 'glow'?
lot and supermarket ..................... are both the supermarket and lot abandoned (are they the same place)?
supermarket, the empty lot,
past the sodium-lit street. ............ in what sense are they 'past' the street?
But tonight, the moon's face basks in sunlight
with the peace a full tank brings ......... where's the subject of this line (who has the full tank, the moon?)
with a click. ...............................an ending that doesn't seem to amount to much (I read it like WJames did, but linguistically it falls rather flat.).
Best, Knot
.
Hi Alex,
the 'loon's lament' in S2 isn't working, and some of the enjambments feel almost random. Not convinced that the late introduction of 'ether' helps, either.
Shell ................................................ don't think this is doing enough, and the ending makes me think of petrol/gas stations.
In the dislocation of today .............
from yesterday and you, ................ like the idea of this, but could it be unpacked slightly?
In the dislocation of yesterday
from today, and the _________ of you
from ....... ?
or, alternatively
In the dislocation of this day
from yesterdays and you
those crowds ............................... which crowds? Or crowds of what?
did not diminish---instead we vanished.
And the weeds that burgeoned
from our echoed silhouettes, whisper that
the balloons that slipped into the clouds
still roam the ether. .................. this seems to be trying to hard, and not succeeding.
Like the distant sounding of an evening a train, ............ added 'evening' to pair with 'tonight' in the final verse (I think you need to establish the time of day earlier in the piece, and something like this might help. Likewise 'dying', below).
the aching/dying day reverberates
through joints, into a sky ................... whose joints?
where all the stars have been replaced
by one that blinks tiredly
from a radio tower. Nearly silent
with the stillness of a sleeping lake,
the pavement bears memories ....... is 'bears' the right word?
like a loon's lament
that illuminate the abandoned ..... given 'sodium-lit' 'illuminate' seems needlessly confusing. Would 'animate' work? Or even 'glow'?
lot and supermarket ..................... are both the supermarket and lot abandoned (are they the same place)?
supermarket, the empty lot,
past the sodium-lit street. ............ in what sense are they 'past' the street?
But tonight, the moon's face basks in sunlight
with the peace a full tank brings ......... where's the subject of this line (who has the full tank, the moon?)
with a click. ...............................an ending that doesn't seem to amount to much (I read it like WJames did, but linguistically it falls rather flat.).
Best, Knot
.