11-06-2021, 06:40 AM
Hi Nozaki,
I think that most titles do little to further the rhetoric of the poem. This title with its alliteration of the “s” sound and the image of the sunflower which symbolizes positivity and strength in some cultures and good luck and happiness in others is supplanted by the use of the word coda - meaning tail-end or concluding event, remark or section works well in preparing the reader ( at least this reader) for the poem.
the stars struggle against the clouds tonight and
awkwardly, —-( If you are using “awkward” syntax to underline or underscore the awkwardness of the moment in the poem then it works and is apropos)
we stare at anything but each other.
--the end wasn't supposed to be so undefined —(This last word is not the appropriate word to this ear. Might just be me.)
two almost-adults grasping for adult words, —-(I like this line. It resonates with this reader.)
because the puff puff pass that has come —-(I stumbled on this line trying to ascertain meaning of “puff puff pass”.)
to be our language can no longer describe
"the end of an era," you finally say. —-(The reported speech is somewhat cliche: perhaps you might use S7L3 in its stead. It might read something like this: ”the end of the history that became to pass through us.”
--in a different age, in a different life
--if you weren't so laissez faire
--and i wasn't so complicated —(Once again this strophe is somewhat cliche. If it were mine I might rephrase it as follows:
if i wasn’t so complicated
i might’ve needed you to be happy
but i don’t need to be happy.”
i might've needed you to be happy
but i don't need to be happy.
we share no tears, no hugs, no goodbyes.
only a twisted thick acknowledgment
of the history that has come to pass through us.
—(This final strophe , if you allow me the indulgence of making a suggestion, might be better served if presented as follows:
we share no tears, hugs or goodbyes
only a twisted thick acknowledgement.
I enjoyed considering this. It seems to depict a break up of two young lovers/friends or significant others: I.e.: the use of “coda” in the title. I hope that my meanderings will be of some help in any further revisions. Best of luck with this. Thanks for the read.
Cheers,
Beowulf
I think that most titles do little to further the rhetoric of the poem. This title with its alliteration of the “s” sound and the image of the sunflower which symbolizes positivity and strength in some cultures and good luck and happiness in others is supplanted by the use of the word coda - meaning tail-end or concluding event, remark or section works well in preparing the reader ( at least this reader) for the poem.
the stars struggle against the clouds tonight and
awkwardly, —-( If you are using “awkward” syntax to underline or underscore the awkwardness of the moment in the poem then it works and is apropos)
we stare at anything but each other.
--the end wasn't supposed to be so undefined —(This last word is not the appropriate word to this ear. Might just be me.)
two almost-adults grasping for adult words, —-(I like this line. It resonates with this reader.)
because the puff puff pass that has come —-(I stumbled on this line trying to ascertain meaning of “puff puff pass”.)
to be our language can no longer describe
"the end of an era," you finally say. —-(The reported speech is somewhat cliche: perhaps you might use S7L3 in its stead. It might read something like this: ”the end of the history that became to pass through us.”
--in a different age, in a different life
--if you weren't so laissez faire
--and i wasn't so complicated —(Once again this strophe is somewhat cliche. If it were mine I might rephrase it as follows:
if i wasn’t so complicated
i might’ve needed you to be happy
but i don’t need to be happy.”
i might've needed you to be happy
but i don't need to be happy.
we share no tears, no hugs, no goodbyes.
only a twisted thick acknowledgment
of the history that has come to pass through us.
—(This final strophe , if you allow me the indulgence of making a suggestion, might be better served if presented as follows:
we share no tears, hugs or goodbyes
only a twisted thick acknowledgement.
I enjoyed considering this. It seems to depict a break up of two young lovers/friends or significant others: I.e.: the use of “coda” in the title. I hope that my meanderings will be of some help in any further revisions. Best of luck with this. Thanks for the read.
Cheers,
Beowulf