11-06-2021, 05:27 AM
Hi Alexorande,
Some in-line notes follow:
Like the distant sounding of a train,
the day reverberates dull pain—-(The rhyme in S1L1 & L2 seems to portend that a rhyme scheme will ensue. Not being a formalist I’m glad it didn’t)
from joints, into a sky where all the stars—-(Do you mean arthritic pain from body joints? If not that is the way it read to this reader?)
have been replaced with one that blinks tiredly
from a radio tower.—(Is the sky clouded over and the stars not visible?)
Pavement, silent with the stillness
of a sleeping lake, bears memories
like a loon's lament, illuminating
the abandoned lot and supermarket past
the sodium-lit street.—( It is unclear to this reader how sodium/salt might be used as a flammable light-producing element/substance.)
In the stark detachment of today
from yesterday and you, those crowds —(S3L1&L2 is awkwardly worded. It made this reader stumble.)
did not diminish---instead we vanished.
And the weeds that burgeoned
from our echoed silhouettes, whispers that
the balloons that slipped into the clouds
on the way to parked cars
still wander the ether.—(This strophe is at the crux of the poem’s rhetoric. It seems to point to a post-apocalyptic world. Are the balloons that slipped into the clouds —nuclear detonations?)
But tonight, the moon's ghostly face
basks in sunlight with the peace
a full tank brings
with a click.
The last strophe seems to indicate that in this new order gasoline seems to be the new precious element in mankind’s existence — which is reminiscent of the “Mad Max” series of movies. Does the title perhaps allude to “Shell” gas stations and/or a world that is a shell of its former incarnation. Enjoyed the read. Best of luck with any further revisions.
Cheers,
Beowulf
Some in-line notes follow:
Like the distant sounding of a train,
the day reverberates dull pain—-(The rhyme in S1L1 & L2 seems to portend that a rhyme scheme will ensue. Not being a formalist I’m glad it didn’t)
from joints, into a sky where all the stars—-(Do you mean arthritic pain from body joints? If not that is the way it read to this reader?)
have been replaced with one that blinks tiredly
from a radio tower.—(Is the sky clouded over and the stars not visible?)
Pavement, silent with the stillness
of a sleeping lake, bears memories
like a loon's lament, illuminating
the abandoned lot and supermarket past
the sodium-lit street.—( It is unclear to this reader how sodium/salt might be used as a flammable light-producing element/substance.)
In the stark detachment of today
from yesterday and you, those crowds —(S3L1&L2 is awkwardly worded. It made this reader stumble.)
did not diminish---instead we vanished.
And the weeds that burgeoned
from our echoed silhouettes, whispers that
the balloons that slipped into the clouds
on the way to parked cars
still wander the ether.—(This strophe is at the crux of the poem’s rhetoric. It seems to point to a post-apocalyptic world. Are the balloons that slipped into the clouds —nuclear detonations?)
But tonight, the moon's ghostly face
basks in sunlight with the peace
a full tank brings
with a click.
The last strophe seems to indicate that in this new order gasoline seems to be the new precious element in mankind’s existence — which is reminiscent of the “Mad Max” series of movies. Does the title perhaps allude to “Shell” gas stations and/or a world that is a shell of its former incarnation. Enjoyed the read. Best of luck with any further revisions.
Cheers,
Beowulf