11-06-2021, 02:36 AM
Like the distant sounding of a train,
the day reverberates dull pain This rhyme is too sing-song-y for my taste.
from joints, into a sky where all the stars From it's joints? What are the significance of these joints?
have been replaced with one that blinks tiredly
from a radio tower. I love this image because of its specificity!
Pavement, silent with the stillness
of a sleeping lake, bears memories I feel like the stillness of a sleeping lake has become cliche.
like a loon's lament, illuminating
the abandoned lot and supermarket past
the sodium-lit street. I love sodium-lit, it is an innovative use of language.
In the stark detachment of today
from yesterday and you, those crowds
did not diminish---instead we vanished.
And the weeds that burgeoned
from our echoed silhouettes, There are a lot of components to this phrase, making it hard to follow and dissect. Consider simplifying. whispers that
the balloons that slipped into the clouds
on the way to parked cars
still wander the ether. Is this sentence a fragment? I think it is a bit confusing as a fragment, at least for me.
But tonight, the moon's ghostly face
basks in sunlight with the peace
a full tank brings
with a click. I love this image/ending! It is the perfect mixture of vague and profound. This is just my opinion and you might disagree, but I would recommend that you remove "with a click" because it seems to interrupt the flow of the poem.
the day reverberates dull pain This rhyme is too sing-song-y for my taste.
from joints, into a sky where all the stars From it's joints? What are the significance of these joints?
have been replaced with one that blinks tiredly
from a radio tower. I love this image because of its specificity!
Pavement, silent with the stillness
of a sleeping lake, bears memories I feel like the stillness of a sleeping lake has become cliche.
like a loon's lament, illuminating
the abandoned lot and supermarket past
the sodium-lit street. I love sodium-lit, it is an innovative use of language.
In the stark detachment of today
from yesterday and you, those crowds
did not diminish---instead we vanished.
And the weeds that burgeoned
from our echoed silhouettes, There are a lot of components to this phrase, making it hard to follow and dissect. Consider simplifying. whispers that
the balloons that slipped into the clouds
on the way to parked cars
still wander the ether. Is this sentence a fragment? I think it is a bit confusing as a fragment, at least for me.
But tonight, the moon's ghostly face
basks in sunlight with the peace
a full tank brings
with a click. I love this image/ending! It is the perfect mixture of vague and profound. This is just my opinion and you might disagree, but I would recommend that you remove "with a click" because it seems to interrupt the flow of the poem.