Draft 5: Shell

[Wjames]

Like the distant sounding of a train,
the day reverberates dull pain I would get rid of this rhyme, I rolled my eyes a bit the first time I read it thinking this would be a cliche rhyming poem with all the same tired rhymes - which this is not. My suggestion would be to change "dull pain" to "an ache".
from joints, into a sky where all the stars
have been replaced with one that blinks tiredly
from a radio tower.  Nice image and feeling.

Pavement, silent with the stillness
of a sleeping lake, bears memories
like a loon's lament, illuminating
the abandoned lot and supermarket past
the sodium-lit street. This sounds beautiful to read aloud, and is very pretty - my only nit is: what is illuminating the lot? Pavement? Memories? Memories sort of makes sense I guess from a weird perspective but not entirely. Of course, making sense isn't everything.

In the stark detachment of today I don't know is "stark" is needed here, you could cut it.
from yesterday and you, those crowds
did not diminish---instead we vanished. This isn't super clear, I'm taking this to be about the memories disappearing - I like it.
And the weeds that burgeoned i wonder if weeds here is a play on "pain from joints" above - makes me think about it at least.
from our echoed silhouettes, whispers that
the balloons that slipped into the clouds
on the way to parked cars
still wander the ether. Beautiful, the mystery of the poem, and the disappearance of the narrators memories sort of come together "slipped into the clouds" "wander the ether" - it made me smile.

But tonight, the moon's ghostly face
basks in sunlight with the peace
a full tank brings
with a click. I think you could cut "ghostly" - the moon is inherently ghostly to me. I love the idea of the moon basking in sunlight. To my read, the narrator has a full tank and is ready to drive - to leave the lot and the memories behind.

I really enjoyed this, Alex - I had a few nits, but limited critique. It is difficult to critique a poem that is so ethereal, so I mostly provided my feelings and interpretation after reading a few times, so you can get a sense of how a reader might react or interpret it. Beautiful imagery, and it sounds beautiful read aloud - two things I love about combinations of words. I think you found a great title as well, Shell is beautiful and fragile, and it ties in with the car and lot metaphors nicely.