11-03-2021, 09:13 PM
On the Starships before The image of "starship" is a bit vague, because a starship could look like anything. This isn't necessarily a problem, because readers can fill in the blanks, but you could consider using specific details about the ships.
the Globe was Shrouded in Bliss Bliss is also a bit vague, because you don't go into depth that much about it.
Was Spun from Carbon Sun I enjoyed this line because of the rhyme and also the innovative way of connecting the words.
Zero Star Energy
Echoed the Crystal Cork
of the Moon's Innocence
Opened like Zinfandel
in Micro-Gravity These few lines are where I get lost, because I am unable to draw connections. Maybe it is because I have little experience with these things, but I do feel like there has to be a sense of pause between the images. If you dwell on/flesh out each frame, then the reader might understand what you are trying to say better!
You could Bubble Upward
from Sphere to Sphere
and Ship to Ship I love these lines because they give a sense of progression/action! They ground me more into the poem.
.....................through the Co-Axial The ...... doesn't work for me personally. If you want to add space/tension between Co-Axial and Ship to Ship, I would suggest using words to progress your point, but it is up to you!
And that is how they Spun
this Stuff Called "Earth"
an Elemental Sphere
With Luna Crystal
falling through the Heavens
in a Cascading Vortex
of Angels and Death
Judgement, Despair, and
Heaving Breasts
Falling Hard
Towards the EArth
which they had Spun, and Still Spin
From the Fountain of Life
If not for the Tree of Knowledge
and the Goodness of the Luna Plant I loved this entire stanza, and I don't have many comments here. I liked the action/progression and unique images! I also like how you refer to Earth as Stuff, and use biblical allusions.
The psylocibin is the Programming Drug
which, tearing life from limb, You sometimes choose to use punctuation, and sometimes not, which could be a bit jarring.
gives ascent
to the Sphere's Release
And Shows in Hexygons of Milk There seems to be a lot of visual/taste/touch sensory details, but not many auditory sensory details. You could consider showing how these movements sound.
the Moon's Blanket
as not Just Erithu's cover
or it's Tidal Barrier..................
the Mother to the Oceans
Fire Element from it's Crystal
Air from Crystal of Aether
the ground from Inside the Moon
and Wedded
Through the Trans-Axial
to her "heavier" gravitational Mate
Erithu
This is what it means to sin
against the moon
to grow heavy against her
to weigh against her lucid judgement
to tax her serenity
since she, herself, is who spins
the elements
which you inhabit
drawing them together
and combining them
into mural and poesie
and whispers the very aer* of aether
which you breath I like this stanza because of the action paired with description, but I am still unsure of what it means to sin. Maybe there is something I am missing. I do feel like there are ways you could make this poem more concrete, but I am worried that will interfere with your poetic style. I would suggest to identify the main points you want the reader to come away with and find ways to surface them in the poem. I really enjoyed reading! I hope this was helpful!
*the welsh word aer may or may not refer to the spelling of the ancient word aether,
a loose derivation
The word αἰθήρ (aithḗr) in Homeric Greek means "pure, fresh air" or "clear sky"
the Globe was Shrouded in Bliss Bliss is also a bit vague, because you don't go into depth that much about it.
Was Spun from Carbon Sun I enjoyed this line because of the rhyme and also the innovative way of connecting the words.
Zero Star Energy
Echoed the Crystal Cork
of the Moon's Innocence
Opened like Zinfandel
in Micro-Gravity These few lines are where I get lost, because I am unable to draw connections. Maybe it is because I have little experience with these things, but I do feel like there has to be a sense of pause between the images. If you dwell on/flesh out each frame, then the reader might understand what you are trying to say better!
You could Bubble Upward
from Sphere to Sphere
and Ship to Ship I love these lines because they give a sense of progression/action! They ground me more into the poem.
.....................through the Co-Axial The ...... doesn't work for me personally. If you want to add space/tension between Co-Axial and Ship to Ship, I would suggest using words to progress your point, but it is up to you!
And that is how they Spun
this Stuff Called "Earth"
an Elemental Sphere
With Luna Crystal
falling through the Heavens
in a Cascading Vortex
of Angels and Death
Judgement, Despair, and
Heaving Breasts
Falling Hard
Towards the EArth
which they had Spun, and Still Spin
From the Fountain of Life
If not for the Tree of Knowledge
and the Goodness of the Luna Plant I loved this entire stanza, and I don't have many comments here. I liked the action/progression and unique images! I also like how you refer to Earth as Stuff, and use biblical allusions.
The psylocibin is the Programming Drug
which, tearing life from limb, You sometimes choose to use punctuation, and sometimes not, which could be a bit jarring.
gives ascent
to the Sphere's Release
And Shows in Hexygons of Milk There seems to be a lot of visual/taste/touch sensory details, but not many auditory sensory details. You could consider showing how these movements sound.
the Moon's Blanket
as not Just Erithu's cover
or it's Tidal Barrier..................
the Mother to the Oceans
Fire Element from it's Crystal
Air from Crystal of Aether
the ground from Inside the Moon
and Wedded
Through the Trans-Axial
to her "heavier" gravitational Mate
Erithu
This is what it means to sin
against the moon
to grow heavy against her
to weigh against her lucid judgement
to tax her serenity
since she, herself, is who spins
the elements
which you inhabit
drawing them together
and combining them
into mural and poesie
and whispers the very aer* of aether
which you breath I like this stanza because of the action paired with description, but I am still unsure of what it means to sin. Maybe there is something I am missing. I do feel like there are ways you could make this poem more concrete, but I am worried that will interfere with your poetic style. I would suggest to identify the main points you want the reader to come away with and find ways to surface them in the poem. I really enjoyed reading! I hope this was helpful!
*the welsh word aer may or may not refer to the spelling of the ancient word aether,
a loose derivation
The word αἰθήρ (aithḗr) in Homeric Greek means "pure, fresh air" or "clear sky"