11-03-2021, 01:50 AM
Hello beenz-
A few comments below:
Ripples in the lake of formaldahyde;
bloated organs
bobbing up and down. S.1 seems disconnected from the rest of this piece
The pickled ferryman love this description
cracks his soft bones, also love this this, but maybe "brittle" instead of soft?
rowing with a long wooden spoon,
on a saturated piece of driftwood.
We travel down the whisking rapids This S.3 also seems disconnected: now it's "we" instead of the singular "ferryman"
and finger forests
to the epicenter;
from each of its glorious folds
I will discover--
ever spiralling truth. sp. "spiralling" should be one "l"
I'm afraid this ending does nothing for me, esp ""spiraling truth"
I think that a modification of S.2 could yield a very cool short poem. I would suggest keeping S.2 L.1-2, and the "driftwood", and the "whisking rapids". The whole business of discovering ever spiraling truth is just too abstract, esp when you incorporated some other strong, concrete imagery. Flesh out the concrete deatils in a more realistic way and I think you'll be on to something.
ps- Not sure of the "shock value" of S.1 in this piece, but it could be part of another, macabre poem.
Hopefully others will comment, and they may read it completely differently than me.
Anywho, that's all,
Mark
A few comments below:
Ripples in the lake of formaldahyde;
bloated organs
bobbing up and down. S.1 seems disconnected from the rest of this piece
The pickled ferryman love this description
cracks his soft bones, also love this this, but maybe "brittle" instead of soft?
rowing with a long wooden spoon,
on a saturated piece of driftwood.
We travel down the whisking rapids This S.3 also seems disconnected: now it's "we" instead of the singular "ferryman"
and finger forests
to the epicenter;
from each of its glorious folds
I will discover--
ever spiralling truth. sp. "spiralling" should be one "l"
I'm afraid this ending does nothing for me, esp ""spiraling truth"
I think that a modification of S.2 could yield a very cool short poem. I would suggest keeping S.2 L.1-2, and the "driftwood", and the "whisking rapids". The whole business of discovering ever spiraling truth is just too abstract, esp when you incorporated some other strong, concrete imagery. Flesh out the concrete deatils in a more realistic way and I think you'll be on to something.
ps- Not sure of the "shock value" of S.1 in this piece, but it could be part of another, macabre poem.
Hopefully others will comment, and they may read it completely differently than me.
Anywho, that's all,
Mark