10-25-2021, 09:35 PM
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Hi Beowulf.
I enjoyed the first verse and the second verse, though they seemed to come from two very different poems, one about your father the other about an unnamed bus driver (not keen on the 'discarded syringes' comparison). Perhaps there are dots I'm simply not connecting (wouldn't be the first time).
I don't understand how the opening quote (interesting as it is) relates to anything that follows, what does the sun or passion have to do with the 'legal u-turn' (terribly phrase, by the way.)
Trying to avoid covering the same ground as Mark.
"Calabrians understand heat"
"the unhinged passion of the sun." .......... this seems like an ending, not a beginning (or perhaps both?)
It is the source of a pristine morning
in the peach groves where
asps give birth to their young, .......... is 'asps' the right term?
dropping them from the trees.
The contadini pick fruit
at their own Cleopatran risk.
In the coolness of first light ............ this would seem to fit better here?
I am impressed by the bus driver
who takes time at the side
of the road to pick cactus pears. ...... why are you impressed? And are there no irate passengers?
Working around the needles,
like so many discarded syringes
on a coastal beach miles away
from my home town:.................... this is all one sentence, not two.
an abandoned source of chestnuts,
spring water and venom. ............. now the poem has a third subject?
Our town, my father told me ...... 'home town', now 'our town'? (And if 'once alive' what is it now? And how was it alive?)
was once alive - before
his migration toward the American
dream propelled him forward,
inevitably leading him ............. where's the inevitability here?
before the car
that made the legal u-turn
which took his life.
Best, Knot
.
Hi Beowulf.
I enjoyed the first verse and the second verse, though they seemed to come from two very different poems, one about your father the other about an unnamed bus driver (not keen on the 'discarded syringes' comparison). Perhaps there are dots I'm simply not connecting (wouldn't be the first time).
I don't understand how the opening quote (interesting as it is) relates to anything that follows, what does the sun or passion have to do with the 'legal u-turn' (terribly phrase, by the way.)
Trying to avoid covering the same ground as Mark.
"Calabrians understand heat"
"the unhinged passion of the sun." .......... this seems like an ending, not a beginning (or perhaps both?)
It is the source of a pristine morning
in the peach groves where
asps give birth to their young, .......... is 'asps' the right term?
dropping them from the trees.
The contadini pick fruit
at their own Cleopatran risk.
In the coolness of first light ............ this would seem to fit better here?
I am impressed by the bus driver
who takes time at the side
of the road to pick cactus pears. ...... why are you impressed? And are there no irate passengers?
Working around the needles,
like so many discarded syringes
on a coastal beach miles away
from my home town:.................... this is all one sentence, not two.
an abandoned source of chestnuts,
spring water and venom. ............. now the poem has a third subject?
Our town, my father told me ...... 'home town', now 'our town'? (And if 'once alive' what is it now? And how was it alive?)
was once alive - before
his migration toward the American
dream propelled him forward,
inevitably leading him ............. where's the inevitability here?
before the car
that made the legal u-turn
which took his life.
Best, Knot
.