10-25-2021, 05:57 AM
Hey-o Beo-
Comments below:
Under Statement
"Calabrians understand heat"
my father would say –
"the unhinged passion of the sun." good start, but not enough about your dad for what what comes at the end
It is the source of a pristine morning
in the peach groves where
asps give birth to their young,
dropping them from the trees.
The contadini pick fruit Attention to tense, since this happeened in the past: "picked"
at their own Cleopatran risk. I get the Cleopatra ref, but it really doesn't add anything
In the coolness of first light Suddenly lost, until where we are is addressed in the last lines of S.2
I am impressed by the bus driver
who takes time at the side
of the road to pick cactus pears.
Working around the needles,
like so many discarded syringes
on a coastal beach [b]miles away
from my home town: maybe just "...home town, abandoned
to venom.
an abandoned source of chestnuts,
spring water and venom. I think this section about your original home town needs to come sooner
Our town, my father told me only the second mention of your father, yet not descriptive enough
was once alive - before
his migration toward the American
dream propelled him forward, drove?
inevitably leading him
before the car
that made the legal u-turn Need much more in this section about your father, or I don't feel the loss
which took his life.[/color]
This has the potential to be a very strong piece, but I really need to know more about your dad. What isitigated his emmigration from Italy? Give further consideration to the ordering of the sections, as well.
Thanks for posting this,
Mark
Comments below:
Under Statement
"Calabrians understand heat"
my father would say –
"the unhinged passion of the sun." good start, but not enough about your dad for what what comes at the end
It is the source of a pristine morning
in the peach groves where
asps give birth to their young,
dropping them from the trees.
The contadini pick fruit Attention to tense, since this happeened in the past: "picked"
at their own Cleopatran risk. I get the Cleopatra ref, but it really doesn't add anything
In the coolness of first light Suddenly lost, until where we are is addressed in the last lines of S.2
I am impressed by the bus driver
who takes time at the side
of the road to pick cactus pears.
Working around the needles,
like so many discarded syringes
on a coastal beach [b]miles away
from my home town: maybe just "...home town, abandoned
to venom.
an abandoned source of chestnuts,
spring water and venom. I think this section about your original home town needs to come sooner
Our town, my father told me only the second mention of your father, yet not descriptive enough
was once alive - before
his migration toward the American
dream propelled him forward, drove?
inevitably leading him
before the car
that made the legal u-turn Need much more in this section about your father, or I don't feel the loss
which took his life.[/color]
This has the potential to be a very strong piece, but I really need to know more about your dad. What isitigated his emmigration from Italy? Give further consideration to the ordering of the sections, as well.
Thanks for posting this,
Mark