Tristesse, v 1.1

[alonso ramoran]

Tristesse


The reaction is purely physiological
in nature. You may find yourself
tremble then go limp
warm and red: think I'm wondering what causes a person to tremble before going warm and red? And how do these things indicate a sadness in the subject? Maybe I'm taking these lines too literal?
nothing of it if
you can think at all. Thinking
comes from experience -- eventually
you won't be able to help
but think -- which is why we advise
you try to think nothing
of it. Some people make
small talk marking
the weather or
the traffic. I would make this line and the one above just one line. It doesn't seem important on its own
Some people smoke.

Stare at the ceiling perhaps, contemplate I feel like you could bump contemplate down to the next line. It doesn't seem to serve any purpose at the end of this one
its spareness, white
graded by shadow. Absorb the light
diffusing through the curtain. Your body
is the room, your heart the bed, 
your eyes and skin the curtain and the window: is it not
a part of nature to spark, to sizzle,
to grow hot, to glow red
then white, to discharge
particulate matter
when ignited? I'm having a difficult time understanding why this question is being asked. It seems obvious that it's about igniting a flame, but over the course of this poem I have had a hard time understanding how fire relates to the themes of this poem
Only when you switch
on a light, when you drag yourself from the sheets Unless the light is a bedside lamp, maybe the sequence should go that the subject leaves the bed first
and open the door to the hall, does it become "It" seems a little unclear here, I can only guess you are referring to the room? In which case I think that makes for a nice ending. I think part of the reason this seemed unclear to me is because of the long question that came before this sentence, containing nothing about the room metaphors at the beginning of this stanza
something else.

Something radical that I would suggest is that you cut the first stanza from the poem entirely. The concept of the last stanza feels much stronger and I think it would have a much more interesting opening line. The first stanza feels too cerebral especially in contrast with the next stanza. If this is what was intended, then the next unanswered question I have is why? There could be a multitude of answers, but none of them are clearly conveyed through the poem. Maybe you could find a different title for an opportunity to better convey that answer?

All of that said, I did enjoy this piece.

Thanks for sharing,
Alex