10-18-2021, 01:32 AM
Thanks Knot-
I always appreciate your careful reading, and suggestions.
Gotta admit the title keeps making me think of 'In Dog, We Trust'
Hoped that readers might pick up on the palindrome for God (dog), and that it would naturally fill in for "What". At least for Americans...
Me? Who is being address (all of a sudden)? The reader
What is the Autumn Star? The Autumn Star is formally known as Fomalhaut (Fo-ma-ho) and it is also called "the loneliest star" as its brightness stands out in a seemingly empty expanse of the southern sky near Jupiter, in autumn
in which I have only half-hearted faith This is the ending, I think.
It could end there, but it is important, to me at least, that readers know that this epiphany has stuck with me for all these years.
Throughout this piece, I paid close attention to past tense until the very end, and that was tricky.
I very much like some of your suggestions, and I can see myself revising this one down to a much, much shorter piece: I have a tendency to do that with most of my stuff. I may actually do that just to contrast with this longer version. The urge to distill is strong, though I can see that taking a couple of months, if not years. But, what the hay, that's OK. Just needed to get out my poem/homage (poemage?) to Bucky (who I've also written a song for).
Thanks agin, Knot,
Mark
Hi Beowulf-
I just wore myself out trying respond to Knot, and then I saw your comments.
Thank you for pointing out what problem areas came to your eyes: I can only suppose what readers may perceive, but, after all, it is the reader's mind that makes the poem work, or not.
I am going to strike "Me?", as you and Knot both stumbled on it.
Concerning the form- it does help me to adhere to a form so that I don't wander too much, but I'm not married to it. If anything, I'm gonna spend way too much time revivising, cutting, editing, until I probably wind up with a version that's 20 words long...
I really appreciate your feedback, Beowulf.
Thanks!
Mark
I always appreciate your careful reading, and suggestions.
Gotta admit the title keeps making me think of 'In Dog, We Trust'
Hoped that readers might pick up on the palindrome for God (dog), and that it would naturally fill in for "What". At least for Americans...
Me? Who is being address (all of a sudden)? The reader
What is the Autumn Star? The Autumn Star is formally known as Fomalhaut (Fo-ma-ho) and it is also called "the loneliest star" as its brightness stands out in a seemingly empty expanse of the southern sky near Jupiter, in autumn
in which I have only half-hearted faith This is the ending, I think.
It could end there, but it is important, to me at least, that readers know that this epiphany has stuck with me for all these years.
Throughout this piece, I paid close attention to past tense until the very end, and that was tricky.
I very much like some of your suggestions, and I can see myself revising this one down to a much, much shorter piece: I have a tendency to do that with most of my stuff. I may actually do that just to contrast with this longer version. The urge to distill is strong, though I can see that taking a couple of months, if not years. But, what the hay, that's OK. Just needed to get out my poem/homage (poemage?) to Bucky (who I've also written a song for).
Thanks agin, Knot,
Mark
Hi Beowulf-
I just wore myself out trying respond to Knot, and then I saw your comments.
Thank you for pointing out what problem areas came to your eyes: I can only suppose what readers may perceive, but, after all, it is the reader's mind that makes the poem work, or not.
I am going to strike "Me?", as you and Knot both stumbled on it.
Concerning the form- it does help me to adhere to a form so that I don't wander too much, but I'm not married to it. If anything, I'm gonna spend way too much time revivising, cutting, editing, until I probably wind up with a version that's 20 words long...
I really appreciate your feedback, Beowulf.
Thanks!
Mark