10-18-2021, 01:13 AM
Hi Mark,
My daughter has a yorkie/poodle mix and sometimes I swear that he’s telepathic. Some inline notes follow:
In What We Trust (REV) - (If it were me I might be tempted to drop the “In”.)
Good ole Buck was a big bear
of a dog, an all-black shepherd- (Good description but perhaps “all” is unnecessary since you go on to say that the dog has a white patch on his chest)
with a small white tie on his chest.
One early autumn evening we sat
perched on the top steps of the porch
at my brother’s place, eavesdropping- ( I like “eavesdropping” as it implies that even crickets are sentient and their dirge is purposeful. )
on the urgent chirping of the last crickets.- ( I can appreciate that you are trying to maintain a line count of 6 for each strophe, but to this reader’s sensibilities S2L1 might read better as S1L7)
A cool breeze stirred up the earth
under fresh fallen leaves. Old oaks poked - ( I understand that the alliteration of the “F” sound is intrinsic to the line but "leaves" seems to be over modified. It also reminds me of the phrase “freshly fallen snow”. )
moonlit limbs toward the clearing at the edge
of shadow filled woods. Buck focused his gaze
on something that I couldn’t quite see.
His gentle orange eyes reflected
the rising moon with an awareness
for which he had no description. Me? -( I agree with Knot, the “Me” jars me out of the reading of this strophe.)
I imagined bare dogwood branches as arms
cradling that crescent moon; mighty Jupiter
wooing the lonely Autumn Star.
As I pondered the infinite, Bucky rested
his furry head upon my shoulder
as if to console me. How did he seem
to understand what I was thinking?
Though I’d been taught that we were given
dominion over animals, I had to reconsider.- ( This strophe is problematic for me. Poetry I have been told more often than not should be more show and less tell. “ Abstractions are always tough to incorporate. I think that the - Bucky rested his furry head upon my shoulder as if to console me.” line is very effective and allows the reader to come to their own conclusions. )
I asked out loud, “if I’m really created- (Again even if this is reported speech it steers the reader rather than letting them deduce or negotiate the poem. Perhaps just the simple question: “If man is created in your image, what about Buck?” might suffice. Just a thought.)
in Your image, then what about Buck?
In whose image was he created?"
Good ole Buck, a simple animal, yet
so finely attuned to something
in which I have only half-hearted faith. - ( In my humble opinion I believe that the rest of the strophe can be edited without any detriment to the pome's argument. Perhaps as follows.)
I.e. :
As I pondered the infinite, Bucky rested
his furry head upon my shoulder
as if to console me. - I asked out loud,
“If man is created in your image,
what about Buck?”
You may think I’m foolish; or confused,- (IMHO this stanza needs to be reworked. What follows being a simple suggestion.)
yet I’m certain of that autumn evening
on the porch; thought of it often
since we buried Bucky by the brambles
near the clearing in my brother’s back yard
nearly 40 years ago.
i.e.:
Nearly forty years ago we buried Bucky
by the brambles near the clearing
in my brother’s back yard. Yet
to this day I’m still certain
of that autumn evening on the porch.
I apologize for taking liberties with the construct of your poem. It is not something I do lightly. I hope that some of this helps. I think that the rhetoric is one that will resonate with many readers. Good luck with any further revisions. Thanks for the read.
Best,
Beowulf
My daughter has a yorkie/poodle mix and sometimes I swear that he’s telepathic. Some inline notes follow:
In What We Trust (REV) - (If it were me I might be tempted to drop the “In”.)
Good ole Buck was a big bear
of a dog, an all-black shepherd- (Good description but perhaps “all” is unnecessary since you go on to say that the dog has a white patch on his chest)
with a small white tie on his chest.
One early autumn evening we sat
perched on the top steps of the porch
at my brother’s place, eavesdropping- ( I like “eavesdropping” as it implies that even crickets are sentient and their dirge is purposeful. )
on the urgent chirping of the last crickets.- ( I can appreciate that you are trying to maintain a line count of 6 for each strophe, but to this reader’s sensibilities S2L1 might read better as S1L7)
A cool breeze stirred up the earth
under fresh fallen leaves. Old oaks poked - ( I understand that the alliteration of the “F” sound is intrinsic to the line but "leaves" seems to be over modified. It also reminds me of the phrase “freshly fallen snow”. )
moonlit limbs toward the clearing at the edge
of shadow filled woods. Buck focused his gaze
on something that I couldn’t quite see.
His gentle orange eyes reflected
the rising moon with an awareness
for which he had no description. Me? -( I agree with Knot, the “Me” jars me out of the reading of this strophe.)
I imagined bare dogwood branches as arms
cradling that crescent moon; mighty Jupiter
wooing the lonely Autumn Star.
As I pondered the infinite, Bucky rested
his furry head upon my shoulder
as if to console me. How did he seem
to understand what I was thinking?
Though I’d been taught that we were given
dominion over animals, I had to reconsider.- ( This strophe is problematic for me. Poetry I have been told more often than not should be more show and less tell. “ Abstractions are always tough to incorporate. I think that the - Bucky rested his furry head upon my shoulder as if to console me.” line is very effective and allows the reader to come to their own conclusions. )
I asked out loud, “if I’m really created- (Again even if this is reported speech it steers the reader rather than letting them deduce or negotiate the poem. Perhaps just the simple question: “If man is created in your image, what about Buck?” might suffice. Just a thought.)
in Your image, then what about Buck?
In whose image was he created?"
Good ole Buck, a simple animal, yet
so finely attuned to something
in which I have only half-hearted faith. - ( In my humble opinion I believe that the rest of the strophe can be edited without any detriment to the pome's argument. Perhaps as follows.)
I.e. :
As I pondered the infinite, Bucky rested
his furry head upon my shoulder
as if to console me. - I asked out loud,
“If man is created in your image,
what about Buck?”
You may think I’m foolish; or confused,- (IMHO this stanza needs to be reworked. What follows being a simple suggestion.)
yet I’m certain of that autumn evening
on the porch; thought of it often
since we buried Bucky by the brambles
near the clearing in my brother’s back yard
nearly 40 years ago.
i.e.:
Nearly forty years ago we buried Bucky
by the brambles near the clearing
in my brother’s back yard. Yet
to this day I’m still certain
of that autumn evening on the porch.
I apologize for taking liberties with the construct of your poem. It is not something I do lightly. I hope that some of this helps. I think that the rhetoric is one that will resonate with many readers. Good luck with any further revisions. Thanks for the read.
Best,
Beowulf