10-17-2021, 11:01 PM
Hey Tim-
Some comments, below:
In the wasteland of dawn
dilettantes meet for coffee
sitting on cracked milk crates
sipping tepid lattes, served
by a silent plague doctor. OK. Discussing the slient male plague: E.D. But "doctor" seems misplaced here
They speak only in whispers. In a confession, wouldn't it be "we"
The stenographer transcribes Like wise "stenographer". These characters add nothing to this piece
their sincerely worried opinions To stay confessional "their" should be "our"
into a language not yet spoken. Speaking in whispers is spoken language, maybe "language not spoken out loud"
I will carry the transcript home,
memorize the relevant lines
so I can repeat them to myself
as I walk through the deceptions
of another day until dusk
releases me from impotence "releases" doesn't work here
and night makes me invisible You could end it right here
to my collected disappointments.
I don't think the "doctor" or "stenographer" add anything: it could just be that notes are taken during the meeting.
I don't get "dusk releases me from impotence"
This one can be easily tightened up. Thanks for making your confession,
Mark
Some comments, below:
In the wasteland of dawn
dilettantes meet for coffee
sitting on cracked milk crates
sipping tepid lattes, served
by a silent plague doctor. OK. Discussing the slient male plague: E.D. But "doctor" seems misplaced here
They speak only in whispers. In a confession, wouldn't it be "we"
The stenographer transcribes Like wise "stenographer". These characters add nothing to this piece
their sincerely worried opinions To stay confessional "their" should be "our"
into a language not yet spoken. Speaking in whispers is spoken language, maybe "language not spoken out loud"
I will carry the transcript home,
memorize the relevant lines
so I can repeat them to myself
as I walk through the deceptions
of another day until dusk
releases me from impotence "releases" doesn't work here
and night makes me invisible You could end it right here
to my collected disappointments.
I don't think the "doctor" or "stenographer" add anything: it could just be that notes are taken during the meeting.
I don't get "dusk releases me from impotence"
This one can be easily tightened up. Thanks for making your confession,
Mark