10-17-2021, 07:50 PM
.
Hi Mark,
getting stronger with each revision, I think.
Biggest suggestion, cut S4 - it's all a bit explicit, and most could be inferred from reading between the lines of S5 - and if that weren't enough, cut S6 as well.
(Gotta admit the title keeps making me think of 'In Dog, We Trust'
)
Good ole Buck was a big bear
of a dog, an all-black shepherd
with a small white tie on his chest.
Early autumn evenings we would sit
on the top steps of the porch
at my brother’s place, eavesdropping ............... like the enjambment and the empty line that follows
on the urgent chirping of the last crickets.
A cool breeze stirred up the earth ..................... I think you might rework this so that it more closely follows on from 'eavesdropping'.
under fresh fallen leaves. Old oaks poked
.......................................................................... something like
on the urgent chirping of the last crickets.
the earth stirring in a cool breeze beneath
a __________ of fallen leaves. Old oaks poke
moonlit limbs toward the clearing at the edge
of shadow filled woods. Buck focused his gaze
on something that I couldn’t quite see. ..........
.......................................................................... I think this could be reworked too, not keen on 'shadow filled woods'.
poke their scrawny limbs towards the clearing
at the wood's moonlit edge. Buck's gazing
at something that I can never quite see.
His gentle orange eyes reflected
the rising moon with an awareness
for which he had no description. Me? ........ Who is being address (all of a sudden)?
I imagined bare dogwood branches as arms
cradling that crescent moon; mighty Jupiter
wooing the lonely Autumn Star. ................... like this, particularly the last line, but compared to the preceding, it's a bit of a mouthful. What is the 'Autumn Star' by the way? Venus?
(If it's autumn, as the star would suggest, do you need 'bare' for dogwood. Would it not be clear once the season is revealed?)
As I pondered the infinite, Bucky rested
his furry head upon my shoulder
as if to console me. How did he seem
to understand what I was thinking?
Though I’d been taught that we were given
dominion over animals, I had to reconsider.
I would wonder aloud, “if I’m really created
in Your image, then what about Buck?
In whose image was he created?" ....................... any way to avoid the repeat of 'created'? And this line is implied by the preceding.
Good ole Buck, a simple animal, yet .................. I think the 'yet' lets this section down.
so finely attuned to something
in which I have only half-hearted faith. .............. This is the ending, I think.
............................................................................. I know it messes up your verse lengths but ...
I asked out loud, “if I’m really created
in Your image, then what about Buck?
a simple animal, yet so finely attuned
to something in which I only have
(a) half-hearted faith.
...
How is this simple animal
so finely attuned to something
in which ... ?
You may think I’m foolish; or confused,
yet I’m certain of that autumn evening
on the porch; thought of it often
since we buried Bucky by the brambles
near the clearing in my brother’s back yard
nearly 40 years ago.
Best, Knot.
.
Hi Mark,
getting stronger with each revision, I think.
Biggest suggestion, cut S4 - it's all a bit explicit, and most could be inferred from reading between the lines of S5 - and if that weren't enough, cut S6 as well.
(Gotta admit the title keeps making me think of 'In Dog, We Trust'
)Good ole Buck was a big bear
of a dog, an all-black shepherd
with a small white tie on his chest.
Early autumn evenings we would sit
on the top steps of the porch
at my brother’s place, eavesdropping ............... like the enjambment and the empty line that follows
on the urgent chirping of the last crickets.
A cool breeze stirred up the earth ..................... I think you might rework this so that it more closely follows on from 'eavesdropping'.
under fresh fallen leaves. Old oaks poked
.......................................................................... something like
on the urgent chirping of the last crickets.
the earth stirring in a cool breeze beneath
a __________ of fallen leaves. Old oaks poke
moonlit limbs toward the clearing at the edge
of shadow filled woods. Buck focused his gaze
on something that I couldn’t quite see. ..........
.......................................................................... I think this could be reworked too, not keen on 'shadow filled woods'.
poke their scrawny limbs towards the clearing
at the wood's moonlit edge. Buck's gazing
at something that I can never quite see.
His gentle orange eyes reflected
the rising moon with an awareness
for which he had no description. Me? ........ Who is being address (all of a sudden)?
I imagined bare dogwood branches as arms
cradling that crescent moon; mighty Jupiter
wooing the lonely Autumn Star. ................... like this, particularly the last line, but compared to the preceding, it's a bit of a mouthful. What is the 'Autumn Star' by the way? Venus?
(If it's autumn, as the star would suggest, do you need 'bare' for dogwood. Would it not be clear once the season is revealed?)
As I pondered the infinite, Bucky rested
his furry head upon my shoulder
as if to console me. How did he seem
to understand what I was thinking?
Though I’d been taught that we were given
dominion over animals, I had to reconsider.
I would wonder aloud, “if I’m really created
in Your image, then what about Buck?
In whose image was he created?" ....................... any way to avoid the repeat of 'created'? And this line is implied by the preceding.
Good ole Buck, a simple animal, yet .................. I think the 'yet' lets this section down.
so finely attuned to something
in which I have only half-hearted faith. .............. This is the ending, I think.
............................................................................. I know it messes up your verse lengths but ...
I asked out loud, “if I’m really created
in Your image, then what about Buck?
a simple animal, yet so finely attuned
to something in which I only have
(a) half-hearted faith.
...
How is this simple animal
so finely attuned to something
in which ... ?
You may think I’m foolish; or confused,
yet I’m certain of that autumn evening
on the porch; thought of it often
since we buried Bucky by the brambles
near the clearing in my brother’s back yard
nearly 40 years ago.
Best, Knot.
.