10-15-2021, 10:41 PM
Hey beenz-
some comments
Sunspots
warping the corona radiata I can see that you're trying to describe a stroke victim (Billy Milligan), but the analogy of "sunspots" to "corona" is confusing right outta the gate. Perhaps you could sub "mass ejections"
Slowly flowing across,
and connecting
like droplets of water. The comparison of "sunspots" to "slowly flowing" and "droplets of water" needs to be re-thunk. Focus more on "connecting" or the mis-connections
A troublesome set of eyes, Odd phrasing here: how about "troubled eyes"?
darting around; Maybe just "darting"
another creature at the helm. "creature" doesn't work for me
Many worlds--Perhaps "senses"
unable to converge.
Just a suggestion:
Mass ejections punctured
the corona radiata.
Connections misfire;
troubled eyes
darting, like someone else
is at the helm.
Senses unable
to converge.
some comments
Sunspots
warping the corona radiata I can see that you're trying to describe a stroke victim (Billy Milligan), but the analogy of "sunspots" to "corona" is confusing right outta the gate. Perhaps you could sub "mass ejections"
Slowly flowing across,
and connecting
like droplets of water. The comparison of "sunspots" to "slowly flowing" and "droplets of water" needs to be re-thunk. Focus more on "connecting" or the mis-connections
A troublesome set of eyes, Odd phrasing here: how about "troubled eyes"?
darting around; Maybe just "darting"
another creature at the helm. "creature" doesn't work for me
Many worlds--Perhaps "senses"
unable to converge.
Just a suggestion:
Mass ejections punctured
the corona radiata.
Connections misfire;
troubled eyes
darting, like someone else
is at the helm.
Senses unable
to converge.