10-12-2021, 05:25 AM
Hey Beo-
Welcome to the Pen.
The captilalization at the beginning of each line interferes a bit with the rhythm.
It is a journey whose path he has retraced
Too many times to enumerate. seems like "enumerate" is just a slightly bigger word than "count"
Identical steps and faux pas committed
In repetition like a mantra.
What if one of the markers
That measured a life no longer existed? A life? Or his life?
What if the basement apartment was no longer
The first home for an immigrant family
Of six whose thread-bare existence I'm beginning to get confused by the lack of detail
Was supplanted via the cultural divide describe the culture divide. Simply stating it doesn't show me anything
Between the two solitudes? What solitudes?
What if it did not include the first elementary school The "what if" is now really getting in the way
Ever attended or the first memories arbitrary line break to "ever"
Of the depanneur where sports collectibles
And comic books were purchased
Along with jelly-bellies and jawbreakers? these deatils are good, but need to be incorporated better
What if it did not encompass
The subway station where he last spoke
To his first love and how
In turning away her affections
He refuted his own – crushing her good line break to "aspirations"
Aspirations to forge a life the capital "A" messes up the line break
That he will never know? The "what if " set-up seems to meant for this stanza, but by now it's grown tedious
What if a now empty and deserted St. Rita’s church
Where he received his first communion
Adopting the Christian name John – not fashioned
After the Baptist but after the Beatle
Whom he so much wanted to, but
Could never emulate, was not built?now you're trapped into continuing the "what ifs"
What if the final leg of the trek comes
To a close at the outdoor hockey rink
in St. Paul de la Croix park, the first place
where he started to skate on thin ice? this line needs to be reinforced by those that precede it
I would strongly recommend losing the "what if" format, and rethink how you want to tell this story. "What if" is a question that we all ask of ourselves, so it is not unique. Far more detail is needed as this timeline progresses, so that the uniqueness of the experiences can be shown to the reader.
A lot of revision will be required, but, hey, you got this far,
Mark
Welcome to the Pen.
The captilalization at the beginning of each line interferes a bit with the rhythm.
It is a journey whose path he has retraced
Too many times to enumerate. seems like "enumerate" is just a slightly bigger word than "count"
Identical steps and faux pas committed
In repetition like a mantra.
What if one of the markers
That measured a life no longer existed? A life? Or his life?
What if the basement apartment was no longer
The first home for an immigrant family
Of six whose thread-bare existence I'm beginning to get confused by the lack of detail
Was supplanted via the cultural divide describe the culture divide. Simply stating it doesn't show me anything
Between the two solitudes? What solitudes?
What if it did not include the first elementary school The "what if" is now really getting in the way
Ever attended or the first memories arbitrary line break to "ever"
Of the depanneur where sports collectibles
And comic books were purchased
Along with jelly-bellies and jawbreakers? these deatils are good, but need to be incorporated better
What if it did not encompass
The subway station where he last spoke
To his first love and how
In turning away her affections
He refuted his own – crushing her good line break to "aspirations"
Aspirations to forge a life the capital "A" messes up the line break
That he will never know? The "what if " set-up seems to meant for this stanza, but by now it's grown tedious
What if a now empty and deserted St. Rita’s church
Where he received his first communion
Adopting the Christian name John – not fashioned
After the Baptist but after the Beatle
Whom he so much wanted to, but
Could never emulate, was not built?now you're trapped into continuing the "what ifs"
What if the final leg of the trek comes
To a close at the outdoor hockey rink
in St. Paul de la Croix park, the first place
where he started to skate on thin ice? this line needs to be reinforced by those that precede it
I would strongly recommend losing the "what if" format, and rethink how you want to tell this story. "What if" is a question that we all ask of ourselves, so it is not unique. Far more detail is needed as this timeline progresses, so that the uniqueness of the experiences can be shown to the reader.
A lot of revision will be required, but, hey, you got this far,
Mark