10-10-2021, 12:43 PM
Hi Thunder,
I'm afraid that I'm a little out of practice at critiquing, but here goes.
STARGATE* of IVANHOE
In each card shuffled with scented confustion (Confusion and frustration?)
you deliver the sacred tree (You are referring to the apple tree perhaps)
with new time
appointed by the stars * ** **** * *** * ** ***** *** * * ( Perhaps asterisks represent a constellation?)
to cover the hemi - sphere
of the ancient scroll ( Made of papyrus native only to Egypt)
the seed purchased land
growing up turbines
of plump, round and pregnant disposition
sun- touched and aimless (L10&L11 Nice description of ripened apples)
oh fruits of jupiter (Jupiter is a modern cultivar of domesticated apple which was developed in England, by crossing a Cox's Orange Pippin with a Starking Delicious apple.)
or moses cactii (conjures images of the desert
Anatoth riding out (are you refering here to the town between Michmash and Jerusalem: home of Jeremiah)
gleams of Mercurial sea foam cucumber (?!!???)
and de - canted canteloupe
decanted, sideways,
like jacob crying potatoes\
into the jibbed soil
the moon ladder carrying aquarius ( Rare full moon in Aquarius: August 21, 2021 9:34 perhaps)
and buckets of apples
turned into hard cider (Sounds refreshing after a romp in the desert or a spat.)
This poem is intriguing in that its biblical references take this reader in one direction only to return in the end to cold hard cider. You carry the "apple" trope throughout the pome so that leaves me to believe that whether this is the proverbial apple in the Garden of Eden. The imagery in L1-L4 (specifically:"scented confustion" leads this reader to surmise that there is a woman in question and a lack of understanding...perhaps even a spat that might have taken place on August 21, 2021. This is just my take and probably misses the mark. Best of luck in future edits. Thanks for this.
Cheers Beowulf
I'm afraid that I'm a little out of practice at critiquing, but here goes.
STARGATE* of IVANHOE
In each card shuffled with scented confustion (Confusion and frustration?)
you deliver the sacred tree (You are referring to the apple tree perhaps)
with new time
appointed by the stars * ** **** * *** * ** ***** *** * * ( Perhaps asterisks represent a constellation?)
to cover the hemi - sphere
of the ancient scroll ( Made of papyrus native only to Egypt)
the seed purchased land
growing up turbines
of plump, round and pregnant disposition
sun- touched and aimless (L10&L11 Nice description of ripened apples)
oh fruits of jupiter (Jupiter is a modern cultivar of domesticated apple which was developed in England, by crossing a Cox's Orange Pippin with a Starking Delicious apple.)
or moses cactii (conjures images of the desert
Anatoth riding out (are you refering here to the town between Michmash and Jerusalem: home of Jeremiah)
gleams of Mercurial sea foam cucumber (?!!???)
and de - canted canteloupe
decanted, sideways,
like jacob crying potatoes\
into the jibbed soil
the moon ladder carrying aquarius ( Rare full moon in Aquarius: August 21, 2021 9:34 perhaps)
and buckets of apples
turned into hard cider (Sounds refreshing after a romp in the desert or a spat.)
This poem is intriguing in that its biblical references take this reader in one direction only to return in the end to cold hard cider. You carry the "apple" trope throughout the pome so that leaves me to believe that whether this is the proverbial apple in the Garden of Eden. The imagery in L1-L4 (specifically:"scented confustion" leads this reader to surmise that there is a woman in question and a lack of understanding...perhaps even a spat that might have taken place on August 21, 2021. This is just my take and probably misses the mark. Best of luck in future edits. Thanks for this.
Cheers Beowulf