10-10-2021, 12:39 AM
Hey 'notch-
Seems to be a Petrachan sonnet, without the rhyme scheme, alluding to the biblical apocyalypse/rapture; the sestet provides a resolution that could be stronger.
If I take this as a whole and don't get hung up on the (confusing) details, I'm OK with it.
I would note that if yer gonna stick with "yer" then you need to be consistent, as you have a "your" and "you're" in there.
The Second Comin's a carrion bird circlin
high above yer head.
Step out o' the shade an' strain yer neck,
you'll see it's there: God never left.
The gyre enfolds you. Pestilence, war,
famine: your breath knocked out
like you were trampled by horses, like you'd forgot
you're still standin with yer head bent back my favorite two lines
an' the crow snatches out an eye
to the timeless tune o' Jesus Chariot Song by Neil Young, which is his version of "..Coming 'round the Mountain"
stuck in yer head. A big red rooster from the song- "we'll kill the big red rooster when she comes"
slouches towards his city to be born:
yer blood its comb, yer cries its crows---
Lord, would my house grow legs and go! These last two lines need to add more punch
If I listen to the song (She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain") this piece makes more sense.
Interesting how that tune went from its origins as a hymn to a secular version. Yer version, as a poem, seems somewhere in the middle.
Mark
Seems to be a Petrachan sonnet, without the rhyme scheme, alluding to the biblical apocyalypse/rapture; the sestet provides a resolution that could be stronger.
If I take this as a whole and don't get hung up on the (confusing) details, I'm OK with it.
I would note that if yer gonna stick with "yer" then you need to be consistent, as you have a "your" and "you're" in there.
The Second Comin's a carrion bird circlin
high above yer head.
Step out o' the shade an' strain yer neck,
you'll see it's there: God never left.
The gyre enfolds you. Pestilence, war,
famine: your breath knocked out
like you were trampled by horses, like you'd forgot
you're still standin with yer head bent back my favorite two lines
an' the crow snatches out an eye
to the timeless tune o' Jesus Chariot Song by Neil Young, which is his version of "..Coming 'round the Mountain"
stuck in yer head. A big red rooster from the song- "we'll kill the big red rooster when she comes"
slouches towards his city to be born:
yer blood its comb, yer cries its crows---
Lord, would my house grow legs and go! These last two lines need to add more punch
If I listen to the song (She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain") this piece makes more sense.
Interesting how that tune went from its origins as a hymn to a secular version. Yer version, as a poem, seems somewhere in the middle.
Mark