10-03-2021, 07:23 AM
(10-03-2021, 02:31 AM)Kerbonzo_beenz Wrote: Illustrious trilby
held by mysterious vaper
in the direst of moments
down from the clouds he'll taper. This inversion is so drawn out as to almost escape notice.
A grey two piece suit,
red tie, and cap toe,
but most noteable of all:
his teeth hanging low.
Swinger by fashion,
modest, in caption. Don't need comma after modest
Shaking their little tush on the catwalk:
the peek of fashion. A word about pronoun choices in writing. There's nothing particularly wrong with "their" in this instance, though I believe "his" would be most grammatically correct. I think it's best practice for Poets to be aware and deliberate with pronouns. Much can be read into them if we get sloppy. So in this case it's not an issue other than going from the singular to the plural, but in some cases one casual pronoun can turn a poem on its head. Sorry for the long winded, unsolicited advice.
Limbs distorted and grim--
sprouting off of him. Maybe "out from him"
A straight razor;
if you get too close.
His teeth are so long and mishapen
because he lies through them often some cliche here
Trying to cage them all in,
but soon one breaks through.
That's when you finally see
eyes through the myst of his body: I changed your line break to where I feel it should be. Your poem, only one opinion.
but you were never meant to see them.
Now you're just another lie,
to catch in his teeth.