10-02-2021, 01:48 PM
Some interesting, if inconsistent imagery.
'Spreaded' should be replaced with 'spread'.
'Rotting' is not something that we associate with teeth. While the pulp can rot, the vast majority doesn't, and enamel itself is virtually indestructible. While we do refer to 'rotting teeth' in the context of someone with severe tooth decay, that is again, restricted to the pulp. In all probability, you do not intend to call the teeth literally rotten, but the choice of adjective serves to distract.
At any rate, 'crushed into dreams' is hard to make sense of. Maybe 'crushed like dreams' would be more appropriate.
A dump truck doesn't 'back away' after dumping, as it dumps at the back.
It is not the silhouette of a dump truck that pours etc but the truck itself.
On the positive side, 'tinker toys' as a metaphor for severed arms and legs is nice.
Good one.
EDIT - I have corrected my earlier point about 'crushed into dreams', because I missed the point about the tooth fairy. That's actually a clever idea. Nice one.
'Spreaded' should be replaced with 'spread'.
'Rotting' is not something that we associate with teeth. While the pulp can rot, the vast majority doesn't, and enamel itself is virtually indestructible. While we do refer to 'rotting teeth' in the context of someone with severe tooth decay, that is again, restricted to the pulp. In all probability, you do not intend to call the teeth literally rotten, but the choice of adjective serves to distract.
At any rate, 'crushed into dreams' is hard to make sense of. Maybe 'crushed like dreams' would be more appropriate.
A dump truck doesn't 'back away' after dumping, as it dumps at the back.
It is not the silhouette of a dump truck that pours etc but the truck itself.
On the positive side, 'tinker toys' as a metaphor for severed arms and legs is nice.
Good one.
EDIT - I have corrected my earlier point about 'crushed into dreams', because I missed the point about the tooth fairy. That's actually a clever idea. Nice one.