10-01-2021, 07:06 AM
Hey k.beenz-
Some in-line suggestions, below:
So close to falling in.
Little half-slices peering over
the threshold. can't see this image
Darkness sucks down
my flashlight's faint glow
like a straw. The air erupts
with hellacious screaming
cascading off the cave walls.
From the bottom my facsimile stares back
up at me, pondering. image to describe please. "pondering" is telling, not showing. what did the pondering look like?
I scream down at him
and he screams back up at me.
The quiet is deafening here. very very cliche
My head is spinning from it. from what?
Suddenly I am falling weightlessly backwards.
Now I'm at the bottom,
staring up at my other.
I scream at him but he remains silent. this ending fall flat. I get what yer saying, but it needs something more descriptive
It's an interesting conceit- the struggle with oneself. But beenz, you need to visualize the scene and add descriptive language to draw your readers' interest. I constantly struggle with descriptive language, especially imagery, but I can't expect a reader to see what is clear in my mind unless I find words to describe it.
Seems that you just threw this together then put it out here, but since this is BASIC, that's perfectly OK.
This could be a really cool piece with added detail.
Mark
Some in-line suggestions, below:
So close to falling in.
Little half-slices peering over
the threshold. can't see this image
Darkness sucks down
my flashlight's faint glow
like a straw. The air erupts
with hellacious screaming
cascading off the cave walls.
From the bottom my facsimile stares back
up at me, pondering. image to describe please. "pondering" is telling, not showing. what did the pondering look like?
I scream down at him
and he screams back up at me.
The quiet is deafening here. very very cliche
My head is spinning from it. from what?
Suddenly I am falling weightlessly backwards.
Now I'm at the bottom,
staring up at my other.
I scream at him but he remains silent. this ending fall flat. I get what yer saying, but it needs something more descriptive
It's an interesting conceit- the struggle with oneself. But beenz, you need to visualize the scene and add descriptive language to draw your readers' interest. I constantly struggle with descriptive language, especially imagery, but I can't expect a reader to see what is clear in my mind unless I find words to describe it.
Seems that you just threw this together then put it out here, but since this is BASIC, that's perfectly OK.
This could be a really cool piece with added detail.
Mark