09-29-2021, 10:50 PM
Thanks Paul. Thanks Tim. Thanks Notch.
I very much appreciate all of the constructive points.
Paul:
(In this anthropocentric world
that we pass through, I find it
interesting that we ascribe human qualities
to just about anything)- hands in branches, not a huge fan of the section in brackets- a little authorial intrusion - is there another way you could say this? or show it?
I love the phrase "authorial intrusion", and I admit to having had a hard time making this turn. And it is absolutely correct that I must find a way to show it, instead of telling it. Thanks for that. I also agree that using "Buck" instead of "him" is accurate.
Tim:
In this anthropocentric world Then we jump to this very different tone
It's an intentional jump, yet awkward. I am noodling through how to SHOW this transition, instead of making a broad statement.
But we are not what this is about. This feels dismissive toward the reader. That's a pretty big question you just laid on us.
OK then, observation noted and accepted; it ain't really fair to bring the collective "we" into this.
Notch:
I really like your suggested edit, as I am always looking for ways to sharpen (subtract words.) That said, some extra (sparse, effective) images are called for to increase the showing while decreasing the telling. I certainly appreciate your effort!
...unless the speaker is deaf and had no sense of smell, then surely they would have heard and smelled what Buck heard and smelled too, right?
HA! This is a very good point. I will work to correct that.
Also, I don't quite understand what the phrases "or you, in our imagination" means in that line, but I figure it's important: may you explain it to me?
C'mon Notch, you know it's against the rules to explain. That said, I'll leave the plural "our" out of it, and admit that it's "in my imagination."
Once again, THANKS to each of you for the comments. I shall take them to heart, and hopefuly not ruin this piece in revision. Reminding myself: craft sharper images, work on descriptive language.... more "show" less "tell"... find words to appeal to the senses...
Mark
I very much appreciate all of the constructive points.
Paul:
(In this anthropocentric world
that we pass through, I find it
interesting that we ascribe human qualities
to just about anything)- hands in branches, not a huge fan of the section in brackets- a little authorial intrusion - is there another way you could say this? or show it?
I love the phrase "authorial intrusion", and I admit to having had a hard time making this turn. And it is absolutely correct that I must find a way to show it, instead of telling it. Thanks for that. I also agree that using "Buck" instead of "him" is accurate.
Tim:
In this anthropocentric world Then we jump to this very different tone
It's an intentional jump, yet awkward. I am noodling through how to SHOW this transition, instead of making a broad statement.
But we are not what this is about. This feels dismissive toward the reader. That's a pretty big question you just laid on us.
OK then, observation noted and accepted; it ain't really fair to bring the collective "we" into this.
Notch:
I really like your suggested edit, as I am always looking for ways to sharpen (subtract words.) That said, some extra (sparse, effective) images are called for to increase the showing while decreasing the telling. I certainly appreciate your effort!
...unless the speaker is deaf and had no sense of smell, then surely they would have heard and smelled what Buck heard and smelled too, right?
HA! This is a very good point. I will work to correct that.
Also, I don't quite understand what the phrases "or you, in our imagination" means in that line, but I figure it's important: may you explain it to me?
C'mon Notch, you know it's against the rules to explain. That said, I'll leave the plural "our" out of it, and admit that it's "in my imagination."
Once again, THANKS to each of you for the comments. I shall take them to heart, and hopefuly not ruin this piece in revision. Reminding myself: craft sharper images, work on descriptive language.... more "show" less "tell"... find words to appeal to the senses...
Mark