09-25-2021, 04:26 AM
Thanks, all. some great feedback.
Tiger - good one.. 'Afraid' is a lot better.
I'm personally not happy with 'against the sky', 'but now / knowing it was all a lie', and the sky/why rhyme, which feels a little trite (so I'm with you there, Knot and CRNDL)
Knot - I think the rearrangement at the end that you've suggested is an improvement. I'm still toying, though, with the idea of 'sorrow that hung LIKE a rope from the branches' - ie not the anthromorphised hanged man, but the hanging rope itself as a simile.
will edit after a few days.
Tiger - good one.. 'Afraid' is a lot better.
I'm personally not happy with 'against the sky', 'but now / knowing it was all a lie', and the sky/why rhyme, which feels a little trite (so I'm with you there, Knot and CRNDL)
Knot - I think the rearrangement at the end that you've suggested is an improvement. I'm still toying, though, with the idea of 'sorrow that hung LIKE a rope from the branches' - ie not the anthromorphised hanged man, but the hanging rope itself as a simile.
will edit after a few days.