09-22-2021, 09:07 PM
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Hi ISaw,
a heartfelt piece, clearly, but perhaps one in need of editing?
I'd suggest changing the order of lines in the first verse to
after it sings its final hymn,
one of death and pleasure and pain
as the poison invades the veins
a cold body hits the earthen floor.
He was just twenty-two ......................... why not give him a name (and her, the blonde)?
and starting anew, .................................. the two/anew rhyme is a bit jarring (and it seems that his 'starting anew' is 'plunged an object into his skin' (and why so coy, if it's a needle say so, what purpose does 'object' serve?)
escaping from the crosshairs of life
that had already greeted him before. .... how had 'crosshairs' 'greeted him before' (and if 'crosshairs' why then 'blade'?)
As a child he had been wounded
by the same blade ................................ isn't this just rephrasing the 'crosshairs/greeted' lines?
that was about to bring him to his grave, ...... isn't this evident from the rest of the piece?
the blade named
Abuse .................................................. do you have to say this? Don't you think it's clear from the rest of the poem?
which had left a scar
that twisted around his heart
and this time to flee from the strain ... the strain of what?
he plunged an object into his skin
as he played the game
that you play to go numb.
He had only begun
to live ................................................ how had he 'begun to live'?
but he had no chance at all.
The heartache had found him early.
So had the alcohol.
He was still a boy
and he only wanted to be loved. ..... not sure about this line, very maudlin/sentimental (could just be me thought).
November 13th, 2016.
Just a thought
after it sings its final hymn,
one of death and pleasure and pain
as the poison invades the veins
a cold body hits the earthen floor.
alcohol and heartache found him early
John was twenty-two and still
a boy wanting to be loved playing
the game that you play to go numb.
November 13th, 2016.
a cold body hits the earthen floor.
Best, Knot.
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