09-16-2021, 10:26 PM
.
Hi Busker,
following with a thumbs up in the footsteps of TqB and Tiger.
Agree about having the first line come out of the title, or that you need a new title.
Not sure about 'today' (perhaps it's the enjambment, would
these and more, I miss
today on the purple hill
its sad sun's rays ... ............'its'? Why not 'the sad sun's ...'?
work?)
Her familiar smell
and hair fringing a fairy circle ................ smell and hair fringing? Not sure about this
Under the dreamy eyes of my love,
I slept the days and months away
tomorrows that went by in a whisper.
Her hair and familiar scent fringing
a fairy circle on my face -
these and more, I miss
a sad sun’s rays on the purple hill today
dying into darkness. my love,
Wherever you are, I pray for light.
Bet, Knot
.
Hi Busker,
following with a thumbs up in the footsteps of TqB and Tiger.
Agree about having the first line come out of the title, or that you need a new title.
Not sure about 'today' (perhaps it's the enjambment, would
these and more, I miss
today on the purple hill
its sad sun's rays ... ............'its'? Why not 'the sad sun's ...'?
work?)
Her familiar smell
and hair fringing a fairy circle ................ smell and hair fringing? Not sure about this
Under the dreamy eyes of my love,
I slept the days and months away
tomorrows that went by in a whisper.
Her hair and familiar scent fringing
a fairy circle on my face -
these and more, I miss
a sad sun’s rays on the purple hill today
dying into darkness. my love,
Wherever you are, I pray for light.
Bet, Knot
.