09-16-2021, 12:08 AM
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Hi TqB.
I like the subject, and the simple/plain language which suits it. I think you lose that simplicity in a couple of places and the poem suffers for it. Good title, but terrible ending
Gasoline and brackish water
sloshes in the black bottom of the battered ....... 'black' over does the alliteration, and seems unnecessary given the rest of the poem.
aluminum boat lodged in the sands.
We push off to check the trot lines.
It’s At night, the lake's more a sound of lapping waves
than a visible place, but the outboard
cancels that reassuring sound. ........................... seems poorly phrased
I hold a light on the bank for navigation ........... given how many 'holds' you have, why not 'aim a light'?
and we move along the rocky shores ................ you could probably cut this line
cross open sloughs until we come
to the one our line is stretched across.
We find the buoy jug that holds it up,
it’s my job to grab it, then hold the light
as my father lifts the slime laden line ............. 'laden' is a bit dull, even 'think' might be better (sonically) Also, 'hauls' for 'lifts'?
out of the dark waters.
First he would hold it like a telegraph, ......... don't think this quite works, how does one hold a telegraph? (and fourth use of 'hold')
feeling for a deep tug
that would foretell our harvest. ....................'foretell' is from a different poem, likewise 'harvest'. Surely it's a catch?
Then the slow hand over hand revelation ...'revelation', on the other hand is very nice. (Of course, you might have had 'discovery')
of the hooks nibbled clean and bright.
........... I think you need a bit more detail here, was the father disappointed or sanguine, for instance? And if you start something with 'first' then I think you need a bit more than three examples.
For each, another blood red ball of stink bait
is molded on and gently lowered back into the green depths. .... how 'green' ? Is there more light now?
And what does the 'stink bait' feel like as you mold it on? Should 'mold' be 'formed around each hook'?
Tonight an empty line, and the outboard
sputters back to its belching life
to carry us out of night’s equal void
to where our cinder block cabin waits. .......... I think you could switch the order here, something like
the outboard sputters back to life
Tonight, our lines were empty.
What were you trying to catch?
Best, Knot
.
Hi TqB.
I like the subject, and the simple/plain language which suits it. I think you lose that simplicity in a couple of places and the poem suffers for it. Good title, but terrible ending
Gasoline and brackish water
sloshes in the black bottom of the battered ....... 'black' over does the alliteration, and seems unnecessary given the rest of the poem.
aluminum boat lodged in the sands.
We push off to check the trot lines.
It’s At night, the lake's more a sound of lapping waves
than a visible place, but the outboard
cancels that reassuring sound. ........................... seems poorly phrased
I hold a light on the bank for navigation ........... given how many 'holds' you have, why not 'aim a light'?
and we move along the rocky shores ................ you could probably cut this line
cross open sloughs until we come
to the one our line is stretched across.
We find the buoy jug that holds it up,
it’s my job to grab it, then hold the light
as my father lifts the slime laden line ............. 'laden' is a bit dull, even 'think' might be better (sonically) Also, 'hauls' for 'lifts'?
out of the dark waters.
First he would hold it like a telegraph, ......... don't think this quite works, how does one hold a telegraph? (and fourth use of 'hold')
feeling for a deep tug
that would foretell our harvest. ....................'foretell' is from a different poem, likewise 'harvest'. Surely it's a catch?
Then the slow hand over hand revelation ...'revelation', on the other hand is very nice. (Of course, you might have had 'discovery')
of the hooks nibbled clean and bright.
........... I think you need a bit more detail here, was the father disappointed or sanguine, for instance? And if you start something with 'first' then I think you need a bit more than three examples.
For each, another blood red ball of stink bait
is molded on and gently lowered back into the green depths. .... how 'green' ? Is there more light now?
And what does the 'stink bait' feel like as you mold it on? Should 'mold' be 'formed around each hook'?
Tonight an empty line, and the outboard
sputters back to its belching life
to carry us out of night’s equal void
to where our cinder block cabin waits. .......... I think you could switch the order here, something like
the outboard sputters back to life
Tonight, our lines were empty.
What were you trying to catch?
Best, Knot
.