Unreal Birthday

[TranquillityBase]

The revision is less about you, more about him.
But the original is far more raw and unforgettable. The only drawback - technically speaking - was the use of too many 'you's when simple changes in the sentence construction would have avoided that pitfall.

All of the lines below are sharp as daggers, naked as flames:

Unreal birthday

Absence tracks me to my lair of words.

walking across the picture windows
out and back into night.

Death is no accident and you don’t come back to life

pitiless as stones
thrown into an empty pond.

---

This really shouldn't be in 'Basic', IMO. It sets the bar too high for those for whom Basic is intended.

Busker,

Thanks for reading both and for those key lines.  I will take another look at the original.  I set out in revision to make the events more blatant.  Not sure why, but didn't want any mystery about the pain.

TqB

****************************

Actually, having gone back and looked at the original, I do not understand this: The only drawback - technically speaking - was the use of too many 'you's when simple changes in the sentence construction would have avoided that pitfall.

I just don't see how not to use you, profusely.